What would Bub’s first act be if she were elected president?
“Hi. It’s me, BUB. I’d have a hard time deciding what to do first as president, for sure. Since I was born on another planet, I don’t think I could technically be the prez. But if they made an exception for a remarkable being such as myself, my first instinct would be to take a nap. But then again I might be too amped up from the thrill of becoming the first cat president. And the first dwarf president. And the first nudist president.
Anyway, after my nap I think my first point of business would be to keep your planet’s temperature under control. It’s so stinking hot, and my tongue sticks out enough as it is. Also I want to make sure I can eat fresh fishes for the remainder of my life. And, as morbid as it might sound, let’s hope your planet lives longer than I do.”
BUB: Tech For Cats
“Hey, it’s me, BUB. I spend a lot of time watching RUSH videos on YouTube. Pretty much all day. Oh and I stare at pictures of my handsome boyfriend SMOOSH, longing for his sweet embrace and blushing from his penetrating stare. I squonk and squagurggle at him though the screen but he never replies. He doesn’t even move. I think our internet is broken.”
Style. Work. BUB.
“Hello, it’s me. BUB. Oh man, do I love food. I’m a pretty amazing cook. My favorite recipe is this:
1. think of what i want to eat
2. think about it harder
3. think so hard about it that it forces me to waddle across the room and scream nonsense
9. voila! the exact thing I prepared in my powerful mind appears before me
10. shovel it into my face until it is smushed into the corner of my bowl where my amazing mouth can no longer reach it
11. scream nonsense
14. dude pushes my meal from the edge of the dish to the center
15. voila! a second delicious meal appears before me
“Hello. It’s me, BUB. I’m fairly certain I’d get a gold medal in boxing because of my speed, agility, giant paws and keen intuition. My tiny low-riding frame makes me a very difficult target. I am also a bad-ass badminton player. It just comes naturally to me, maybe because of my profound love of birdies, which come to think of it, must be why I also rule at golf. I’m also a fantastic swimmer, and a remarkable fencer.
You know, to be perfectly honest, I’m just an all around amazing athlete. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single sport I wouldn’t at least get silver in, unless I forgot to stretch or something. But since I’m stretching almost 35% of the time I’m quite certain I’d win everything. Regardless, my planet doesn’t have a team so, whatever.”
“Hey, BUB here. As far as I’m concerned, my dude is hands down the best animal on your planet. This guy is seriously amazing. When my space pod crashed down into a barn just outside of Indianapolis, I scurried to the teat of an animal that looked very much like me, with a bunch of other tiny versions of her gathered around her teats. Then this lady found us and noticed I was different, took me into her home, and fed me fishes. She tried to find someone to take care of me, but everyone that met me was too intimidated by my powerful mind.
Then my dude came along, and without hesitation he took my tiny body in his arms and carried me to my forever home. And ever since he has obeyed all of my commands, fed me delicious fishes, modified my body so that lesser beings could not plant their seed within me, given me medicine to make me more comfortable on your planet, and defended my honor on the internet. Also he introduced me to Smoosh, the only earth-cat that is worthy of my affection. My dude is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Also his beard is absolutely delicious.”