1. Guess it’s that time of life again. Time to find a new apartment.
2. What I don’t like is paying brokers money SIMPLY FOR OPENING A DOOR for me.
3. Um, this room is less of an “airy loft” and more of a “shared, basement-level horrorscape.” NO THANK YOU.
4. Now, the location of this place is great, don’t get me wrong, but is it just me or is there a faint aroma of just dead rat getting in here somehow? Cool. NEXT.
5. THIS PLACE IS LOVELY, BUT WITH MY WITHERED LUCK, IT WILL PROBABLY NOT WORK. UGH.
6. It’s probably my destiny that I’ll never find a new apartment. None of these appointments have come through.
7. Wait, wait, I’m getting a call from an unknown number…
8. HOLY CRAP I GOT THE PLACE. THANKS BE TO GOD FOR SMILING HER BEAUTIFUL SMILE UPON MY FATE.
9. But like, where do boxes come from?
10. Like, do I just find boxes out in the wild and raise them as my own?
11. I totally don’t own too much stuff.
12. I own a normal amount of stuff, promise.
13. I’m going to start packing a whole month before I’m supposed to move so that I don’t have to worry about it that week! That’s so smart of me!
14. I’ll even draw schematics of what the new place looks like, from memory, and where all my stuff will go.
15. In this apartment, I’ll totally put everything away all the time. Like, I’ll never have any clutter.
16. Fresh start.
17. I wonder if I should buy a new shower curtain and liner? I honestly don’t remember the last time I bought one.
18. I guess it was the last time I moved? Gross.
19. In this apartment, I’ll totally clean things more often.
20. And change the smoke detector batteries when I’m supposed to.
21. …Is it every six months? Or is that when you’re supposed to flip your mattress?
22. None of us are very good at taking care of ourselves, I guess.
23. But this apartment will be new.
24. I’ll make a chore chart! And follow it!
25. Everyone’s going to get along really well, I bet.
26. Like, we’ll be the chill apartment where everyone’s buddies.
27. Oh, wait, hold up.
28. I’m moving THIS WEEKEND?
29. ALRIGHT COOL HAHA LET’S GO FIND SOME BOXES.
30. PLEASE DON’T LAUGH AT ME, FELLOW CITIZENS, AS I CARRY FLAT BOXES DOWN THE SIDEWALK TO MY HOUSE.
31. I ASKED A LOCAL RETAIL STORE FOR EXTRA BOXES BUT DID NOT HAVE A WAY TO GET THEM HOME.
32. I pity myself.
33. I wish this fate upon no one.
34. How do tape guns even work??
35. WHAT END DOES THE TAPE EVEN GO?
36. Um, ok, this is going well, I guess.
37. I’m putting all my books in one box even though I know this is a mistake.
38. I just won’t tell whoever ends up picking that one up until they’re actually about to do it.
39. I can’t feel bad about this, because I don’t have the time.
40. HOW DO I OWN THIS MANY RANDOM MUGS? I BARELY DRINK COFFEE! OR TEA!
41. Sorry, beloved clothing items. You’re going in trash bags because you’re easily squishable.
42. I wish I could leave my food here for the next people.
43. THANK GOD FOR MOVING COMPANIES.
44. THIS EXTRA EXPENSE WILL BE WORTH IT.
45. Because literally nobody I know can A. lift a couch or B. figure out how to move a couch around corners.
46. Oh wow. Sweating this much and moving this many heavy things counts as my exercise FOR THE REST OF THE ENTIRE CALENDAR YEAR.
47. I WILL PROBABLY KICK MYSELF FOR JUST NOT HAVING MORE ABLE-BODIED FRIENDS, BUT WHATEVER.
48. Hope I don’t forget anything.
49. Hope I don’t forget anything valuable.
50. Hope I remembered to set up utilities.
51. SEE YA LATER, OLD APARTMENT. YOU’RE ONLY HAUNTED BY TAINTED MEMORIES AND OLD SPONGES NOW.
52. SOMEBODY CONGRATULATE ME IMMEDIATELY ON MY SUDDEN ADULTHOOD.
- Justice Antonin Scalia, who served almost 30 years on the Supreme Court as one of its most prominent and influential conservative voices, died Saturday. He was 79.
- U.S. Republican presidential candidates debated for the first time since Donald Trump's win in New Hampshire, and it got intense.
- Bitterly cold temperatures and arctic winds began freezing large swathes of the U.S. Northeast ❄️