1. Cats show an impressive ability to feel and reciprocate love.
2. If they like you enough, cats will pretend to be dogs and fetch a toy you throw for them.
3. As a sign of gratitude, cats enjoy playing in boxes as much as they do the toys you bought for them anyways.
4. Cats twitch in their sleep because they’re dreaming of running toward you across an open field.
5. A kiss from a cat is considered sacred in many cultures.
6. The cats who prefer to eat dry food rather than wet food do so because they like to pretend they’re eating a crunchy snack just like you do.
7. Cats knock things off of tables only to express their dominance in the house. They do it so frequently because they forget how long it’s been since the last time they established dominance.
8. Ditto with drinking from every water cup you’ve ever put anywhere.
9. Cats love humans so much that they put their butts into faces everyday, just to remind people of that. Like, would you put your butt into someone else’s face for no reason at all? Nah.
10. Cats’ whiskers help with both their depth perception and their love perception.
11. Cats play dumb when it comes to laser pointers to make humans feel better.
12. Cats are pretty interested in your cereal’s milk because they assume it contains magical properties seeing as how you try so hard to keep it from them. Also, they just like seeing what you’re up to in the morning.
13. Cats were invented in 1746. This is before the birth of our nation, thereby making cats extremely important in the collective American history.
14. A cat inspired the first Taco Bell to install a drive-thru.
15. Amazingly, Garfield was real.
16. The first tuna salad sandwich was sold by a cat.
17. Cats’ tails are actually prehensile, but they just choose not to use them that way out of respect.
18. Cats have scientifically proven that bingewatching a TV show is good for your health.
19. Al Gore got the idea for the internet from just one intelligent cat.
20. A cat in Italy invented the colander. This made life easier for literally everybody.
21. A group of cats invented the concept of the monologue together.
22. Cats actually hate the milkman; conversely, they love the mailman.
23. Cats’ all-time favorite holiday is Thanksgiving, because of all the leftovers.
24. A cat invented genies in bottles, purely for selfish reasons, but also to help out the world.
25. Dogs and cats don’t fight. They’re just disappointed in each other.
26. The very last mixtape was made by a cat. It should be in a museum.
27. A cat chopped the first chopped salad.
28. Cats hate lemonade and iced tea, but they created the first Arnold Palmer.
29. Cats invented literal music videos.
30. The first classically trained sushi chef was a cat.
31. One time, a cat jumped the length of the entire Golden Gate Bridge. This is a crazy world record!
32. Every cat’s favorite band is Coldplay.
33. Yoga mats are actually cat beds.
34. All of Oprah’s favorite things are actually cats. You can’t argue with Oprah. You just can’t.
35. Cats collect every sock you’ve ever lost. Time will tell if they’ll give them back.
36. Loaves of bread got their shape from cats.
37. Cats keep a database of every time you accidentally like a photo on Instagram.
38. The jingle for Meow Mix is actually offensive to cats. Please stop singing it at them.
39. If cats could be reincarnated, they’d all choose to come back as pizza. Guaranteed. This is what makes them great.
40. Every college has a resident cat professor on payroll.
41. Cats communicate telepathically, even with humans.
42. Cats are aware of Victoria’s secret, but they won’t disclose that information because they’re classy folk.
43. A cat wrote an entire sequel to the “Harry Potter” series, and it’s great.
44. Jackson Pollock was actually a cat.
45. Martha Stewart’s first lawyer was a cat.
46. The only dish a cat can cook successfully is boring, ol’ spaghetti.
47. Cats don’t believe in fad diets. Everyone should be more like cats.
48. Cats prefer to make the first move on a date.
49. Cats invented movie theater popcorn butter.
50. Every cat is born knowing KFC’s 11 herbs and spices. They are burdened with this knowledge, which makes them impressively wise.
51. The Eiffel Tower was designed by cats.
52. All cats would prefer cash as opposed to real presents.
53. Farmers are the people cats respect the most in life.
54. Cats don’t approve of Snapchat at all. And for good reason.
55. Cats love the carpool lane.
56. Zero cats like clowns.
57. Cats brought kale to America in 1993.
58. No cat can stand on its tippy toes, but they choose not to feel self-conscious about it.
59. Each cat has a different theory about life in outer space.
60. Some cats are allergic to themselves, but they’re hoping to solve it soon.
61. It’s actually called “tae ‘cat’ do,” and everyone says it wrong. Nobody’s corrected us, though, so it must be cool.
62. One day, cats invented the perfect pizza topping: crushed red pepper flakes. They just stepped on a bunch of them, but still. Pretty nifty.
63. Cats prefer espresso to coffee.
64. Cats never have to wait in line to use the restroom.
65. A cat wrote “A Spoonful of Sugar.” Medicine was changed forever!
66. An ancient cat was the very first guitar hero.
67. Cats invented trail mix just in case they ever felt like going on a long hike. They still have never been on a hike, but they at least have the option to snack during one now.
68. Cats decorated a Christmas tree in tinsel but then quickly felt betrayed by it.
69. Every cat is actually a witch/wizard. They only use their powers for good, though, so don’t worry.
70. The original cast of “I Love Lucy” starred Lucille Ball and a cat.
71. Croissants got their shape from cats.
72. Cats miss family game nights because they eventually learned to appreciate the time spent together.
73. All cats dream they can juggle. Dreams are important to cats.
74. Cats don’t know how to experience fear.
75. The true name of the game is “Duck, Duck, Cat.” Don’t invite them to play, though. They’ll refuse.
76. All cats hate gazpacho.
77. Cats invented high heels just so they can laugh at people. Kind of a dick move, but still pretty funny.
78. A cat told Ron Howard to start wearing baseball caps many years ago. Fashion history was made!
79. One time, yarn insulted a cat. That’s why they attack it so much these days.
80. Every cat wants to be a queen.
81. Cats were the first ones to chat around a water cooler about current events.
82. Cats invented the first car towing company for their own amusement, but then it became really necessary.
83. You can never find any medium-sized shirts because cats bought all of them. They bought all of the shirts that would’ve fit you right before you went shopping. It’s just what happens when cats are this awesome.
- Dylann Roof pleaded not guilty to federal hate crime charges in the Charleston church massacre.