The Six Stages Of Facebooking In Your 20s

You don’t use Facebook the way you used to anymore. And guess what? You’re not alone.

1. Friending (Everyone)

You friend everyone going to the same college as you in the Fall. You scan ‘class of __’ groups for good looking, nicely dressed people holding red solo cups and/or beer cans. You figure out if you want to be friends with said people by comparing their music interest to yours. After you get to college, you friend anyone and everyone you speak to one or more times.

2. Stalking

You sit on your computer for hours checking out ‘that girl’s pictures who is friends with those guys you kind of know.’ You go through the album and try to find yourself, your ex, your current hook up, or your friend’s current hookup in the background of her basement party pics from last weekend. You compulsively scroll through your news feed and partake in the following conversation with your friends:

Danielle put up new pictures? Jessie is in a relationship? Mike and Sarah broke up?! Did you see what Alex wrote on Jason’s wall? What the hell does Lindsay think she’s doing liking Brian’s status? Ughhh her pictures are private. Are any of you friends with her?

3. Addiction

To avoid making eye contact with people (especially on public transportation), you repeatedly refresh your news feed. You FB chat with people instead of texting. You update your status on a regular basis. You message people (when they’re not online) when you don’t feel like having an actual conversation with them, but need to know something. You have the following thought process whenever the Internet is down:

F*ck this paper I have to get done for school and/or these emails I have to send for work. I need to check my mother f*cking newsfeed!

But, seriously… How does life go on without letting everyone know my internet is down on Facebook?

I mean, really. How does life go on not knowing if that guy I met once at a bar is checking in anywhere?

You are completely lost without Facebook. And it is pathetic.

4. Depression

Everyone looks like they’re having so much fun — except you. Everyone seems to go out all the time — except you. Everyone is getting engaged — except you. Everyone is doing something with their lives — except you. You often think like this:

‘She’s working there?! He’s dating her?? She’s moving where?! And I’m still living here making basically no money, barely going out anymore?

You’re bored. You don’t have a ton of pictures to put up. No one even writes on your wall anymore. You see younger people put up statuses about going out, being young, still having lots of friends, and going back to school. But you have to work. And you’re tired. And you just don’t care as much anymore. Wait — yes you do.

5. De-Friending

You finally realize, ‘Wow, I either dislike or do not know half of these people.’

You defriend those you became friends with the Summer before college that you never spoke to. You defriend the random from high school that posts statuses using terms such as ‘hmu’ and ‘lms.’ You defriend everyone that has a middle name as their last name because, like, you have no idea who they are. You debate defriending that guy you hooked up with once, but then you don’t because you don’t want him to think you’re thinking about him. You also debate defriending that girl you talked to occasionally in school, but then you don’t because her pictures are just so interesting (why is she so rich?). Maybe next time you’ll get rid of them. But it’s doubtful.

6. Adulthood

You’re old. And you’re somewhat okay with that.

You take less pictures. You’re in less pictures. And you’re too old for random album titles featuring rap lyrics.

You barely ever write on walls anymore because if you need to talk to someone, you’ll text, call, or email them (unless it’s a birthday — duh).

You post informative, interesting, and/or funny articles on your ‘timeline.’

Basically, you’re old. And you can tell even more so when going through your timeline that starts in 2005 – which was 8 years ago — but who has time for that anymore?!

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