How To Put On Lip Balm Without Looking Like A Complete Psychopath

There are only two guarantees when it comes to the upcoming winter season. One, you’re going to have roughly six and a half billion conversations regarding the weather. Two, all of these conversations will happen through chapped, cracked, and freeze charred lips. But don’t fret, this guide is here to show you how to put on lip balm without looking like a complete psychopath.

Stop Making Direct Eye Contact

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When putting on lip moisturizer, it is crucial that you avoid any and all eye contact with anyone you may be speaking with. If you feel the need to dampen your lips mid conversation, reach for your balm, pull it out, and then look down and away as you apply. Do not resume eye contact until you’ve completed this process.

Expert Tip: Try to find a bug or pair of googly-eyes on the floor near you that you can send your gaze towards.

No Tongue Stuff

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Any lip balm worth its wax, camphor, and salicylic acid is going to come in an applicator that allows you to easily put on the balm without any assistance from your tongue. Immediately licking your lips after you put on moisturizer is the surest way to not only remove the lip balm, but to also look like a complete freak while doing it.

Expert Tip: If you have a hard time controlling the actions of your tongue, try thinking of the lip balm as a kind of tongue poison, that if your tongue were to touch, it would immediately shrivel up and die.

Get Your Fingers Outta There

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This should be a no brainer, but you don’t actually need your fingers to complete the process of moisturizing your lips. Your lips, completely by themselves, can smoosh the soothing cream into the necessary cracks and crevices. As much as your fingers may want to help, when applying lip balm, it is best they stay in the gloves or pockets they’re used to.

Expert Tip: If your fingers are used to taking up residence inside or near your mouth, make a quick mental list of the last ten places your fingers were, and then think about how after they visited those places, you probably didn’t wash your hands hard enough.

Don’t Make It Sexy, This Isn’t Sexy

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While throughout human history, the lips have been a near constant source of sensual delight, during the winter, they become barren strips of wasteland devoid of any and all sexuality. Remember, you’re putting on lip balm because your lips are so chapped they are basically screaming. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is sexy about that.

Expert Tip: If you absolutely have to be sexy while putting on your lip balm, get other parts of the body involved. Some suggestions are: hips, shoulders, elbows, thumbs, and the backs of your knees.

There Should Be No Noises

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None. Zero. Nada. Your face hole should be as quiet as a silent unmoving stream when you’re conducting personal lip service. Any sounds that come from your mouth while putting on balm will only be received as threats or the rumblings of an insane person. You especially want to avoid any mouth clamors that would normally be associated with how good food tastes. This is lip balm, you are not eating it. Also, stop eating it.

Expert Tip: Remember, you can make as many noises you want as soon as you’re finished. Spend your time while putting on lip balm to think of those noises, and how much fun you’ll have emitting them.

All of This Should Take Less Than Fifteen Seconds

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If it takes any longer, then that means your lips are of a size that requires immediate medical attention, or you’re completely incapable of almost all basic human tasks. There are no excuses for this. Get in, get moisturized, and get the hell out of there.

Expert Tip: Count to thirty. You should have been done fifteen seconds ago.

Do Not Offer Anyone Your Lip Balm Immediately After You’ve Used Said Lip Balm

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“I don’t care how chapped my lips are or how gross they look or how much incredible pain I’m in at the moment, I’m not taking the lip balm that you just used on your own lips, OKAY FINE I’LL DO IT, OH MY GOD THIS FEELS AMAZING.”

Expert Tip: Have lip balm in every single pocket you own. Every. Single. Pocket.