How To Pick Out The Perfect Summer Beach Read!!!

It can be so hard to find that perfect book for the summer. You know the one. Something light, impossible to put down and the kind of story that stays with you for a long time! But don’t fret my literary explorer, because here are some tips on how to pick out the perfect summer beach read!

Step 1

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First, head down to your local library! Bookstores are expensive, online shopping is so 2014 and the library will have the perfect blend of the new and the old!

Step 2

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Once you get there, head straight towards the back of the library. Don’t be distracted by the magazines or the kids only book clubs meeting near the front! Those are there to dissuade the less adventurous from the journey right in front of them!

Step 3

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In the back of all local libraries, you’ll find a shelf with a large tome that looks slightly out of place. Place your hand gently on this tome, and tug it towards you. The shelf will vibrate and shake as it slides backwards and to the right, always to the right, revealing a secret passageway.

Step 4

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Step into the secret passageway. You’ll gasp as the passageway quickly closes behind you and the light around you vanishes, but look to your left and you’ll see an unlit torch. Light it, you did bring a lighter right???, and then begin your journey into the depths ahead of you.

Step 5

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You’ll walk for approximately 2 to 5 minutes, depending on the size and length of the desolate pathway, until you reach an old marble stand that is holding a single, non-descript leather book. Isn’t it sometimes nice when you don’t have options?

Step 6

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Place your torch in the empty slot near the marble stand and then pick up the book and blow the dust off of the front cover. Always blow the dust from the front to the back. Side to side book jacket dust blowing leaves your book still mostly covered and your nose all stuffed up!

Step 7

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“What in the name of…” you’ll mutter as you see that with the dust gone, the book’s title is finally revealed! The name of the book will be your full name, with even your middle name spelled correctly, which no one can seem to do. The title will be in a cursive (who still writes in cursive?) and you’ll feel a slight tingle when you first pick it up.

*If your name is Charlotte, the title will look like this but with less pink birds.

Step 8

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After opening the book, don’t feel guilty everyone reads a little before leaving the library or book store, you’ll see that the first few pages are an exact narrative of your life leading up to reaching the very marble stand that you are positioned before now. You’ll finish reading that section and you’ll see that remainder of the book is completed as well, detailing the rest of your life. Do you dare read on?

Step 9

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You’ll start to read the book’s prediction for your future, before setting it down quickly and dismissing it as hogwash. You’ll begin to walk away, but the pull of the book and what it surely reveals is too strong. You get as far as your torch before hurriedly turning around and snatching the book back up.

Step 10

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You’ll read a brief section outlining exactly what just happened. How could the book know when you didn’t even know?

Step 11

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You’ll spend what feels like a small eternity reading the remainder of the book. You are now completely aware of every single moment that you will have for the rest of your life, all the way up to your death. You’re unsure whether to laugh or to cry, so you do both as you collapse to your knees and cradle the stand, wishing there was some way to forget it all!

Step 12

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Eventually, you’ll stand and grab the torch. In a moment of reclamation, you’ll use the torch to light the book aflame and all of the secrets it contains. You’ve decided that no book can dictate your life! You’ll look over the small fire you’ve created and scream, “My future is mine and mine alone!”

Step 13

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Racing back to the library, you feel a sudden urgency to live life to the fullest. Every day will now mean a little more! Every meal will taste slightly finer. Every kiss will last slightly longer. You’ve taken control of your future. Was this the book’s plan all along?

Step 14

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You’ll reach the bookshelf, return the torch, head into the library and spin around panting as the secret chamber closes forever behind you. You’ll take a deep breath, the rest of your days are in front of you, and you’ll head towards the library exit, smiling as you never have before.

Step 15

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On the way out, be sure to grab Crooked Little Lies by Barbara Taylor Sissel on 8/1. It is sure to be incredible.