Which Kind Of Insane Florida News Story Best Fits Your Personality?
Morbidly obese man physically assaulting a Dominos delivery guy
You’re the life of the party and your friends love hanging out with you. But you also weigh 346-pounds and were arrested for punching the delivery guy in the face for forgetting your garlic knots. So maybe you should chill for a while.
Teenager who loves to get drunk on hand sanitizer
You’re a free spirit and you dance to your own tune. You don’t follow the crowds, you make them. You also drink hand sanitizer to get drunk which means you probably won’t be dancing to your own tune for much longer.
Woman scratching a penis into a stranger’s SUV at Publix
You’re intense and that’s great. A lot of people wish they could be as passionate as you. The owner of the vehicle you’re scratching a penis into probably isn’t psyched about it but that’s OK. You can’t please everyone and life’s too short to try, you know?
Politics are important to you. You care about three things: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You don’t want the federal government anywhere near your guns and that’s fine! Also, you’re a dog arf arf bark bark bark.
Woman who’s pretty sure her heart-shaped potato was sent by her dead husband
Intuition is an underappreciated thing these days. You’re not into new-fangled gadgets and whatchamuhcallits. You’re about down-home, old fashioned heart. You follow your gut. And you know a heart-shaped potato from heaven when you see one.
Man who drank five gallons of vodka at the beach and didn’t die
Everyone’s had a rough patch. As Charles Barkley once said, “if you are afraid of failure you don’t deserve to be successful.” Well, you certainly aren’t afraid of failure because you just drank the equivalent of 427 shots of vodka on beach in the middle of the day surrounded by children. Shoot for the stars.
Guy who died after winning a roach eating contest
You’re a dreamer with a big imagination and quest for new experiences. You’re a traveler, a connoisseur, you know a fine wine when you see one. Unfortunately, you just died eating worms and cockroaches. But, hey, at least you won!
You don’t play by anyone’s rules. You break the rules and write new ones. You’re a maverick. Whether it’s in the boardroom or on the golf course, you’re totally crushing. And you just got arrested for riding a manatee.
Friends and family are what’s most important to you. You’re most comfortable in a quiet room with a few special people. Sadly, at this exact second, you’re not at home with loved ones. You’re actually in a veterinary clinic and you smell so bad that everyone had to evacuate. Win some, lose some, I guess.