1. When You’re Dressed Better Than Me
First of all, it is SEVEN A.M. How the heck do you look like this? You have your hair done, your makeup done… I’m going to assume you’re wearing a pushup bra… why?!
I repeat, it is SEVEN A.M. What time did you have to wake up to look this way? Five? Four-thirty? I mean, I want to know your secret, but all you’ve made me feel like is this:
2. When You’re A Really Hot Man Exercising
Not a lot is going through my mind.
Other than the fact that I decided I love you.
3. When You’re a Really Hot Man In a Suit
Not only do I love you, I immediately look at your left hand.
If you’re married, I back off. I’m not a homewrecker!
BUT IF YOU’RE NOT WEARING THAT BAND- it’s pretty simple. I’ve merely picked out our kids names and our home in upstate New York. And I’ve already imagined our early morning couples’ runs across our upstate New York town.
And I’ve also stared you down long after you walked past me. Cute butt.
4. When You Are Smoking
If you blow smoke in my face, I hate you.
If you blow smoke in another direction, we might actually be friends.
5. If You Cat Call Me In Public
I’m kind of like, whatever. I get it, I look hot. That’s cool (I don’t- haven’t we already decided that based on person #1?), but I won’t respond back.
Because most likely you’re twice my age, half my height, and I probably had my iPod in and didn’t hear you in the first place.
If only #2 or #3 would do this…
6. If You Cat Call Me and We’re the Only Two On the Street
There are two thoughts going through my mind.
1. I’m going to die. This is it. This is the day I die.
2. What resources do I have to kill you? Pepper spray? HA! But I do have a super heavy purse and some body spray. Also, I learned some self defense moves so beware!
But 90% of my thought process is I’M GOING TO DIE.
7. When I Think You’re Talking To Me
Hey! You keep asking me questions! I’m trying to answer them for you!
Yes, I do like dogs. Yes, I do think they’re cute when they’re younger.
Toilet paper? Why do I need to buy you toilet paper? We just met on the street, I don’t really know you!
Oh. You have a Bluetooth? Cool. No, I wasn’t talking to you. Stop looking at me so weird!
8. When You’re a Street Solicitor
You are the worst kinds of people. I can’t save the whales and the entire eco system! I’m really just trying to get through the week keeping my room clean (days accomplished: zero).
So I pretend I’m on my phone talking to someone important. I shoot a fake laugh and keep my head low.
Stop yelling at me! I’ve already passed you Whale Advocate!!
OH MY GOSH, there are like three of you on this street.
I have to continue this fake phone call, I can’t really talk to you guys right now.
9. When You’re Walking Slow. WHEN YOU’RE A TOURIST.
I don’t want to call you awful human beings. I really don’t.
But what choice do I have? Here you are, on my street, in my city, walking impossibly slow. Or you have a stupid map in your hand. This city is a grid, get lost and get over it.
I don’t want to sound negative. I mean, if you needed my help, I would have stopped and listened. But when you are strolllllling along la-di-da, I think I want to wring your neck.
But please don’t take it personally. I want to do it to every tourist that does this. It’s not just you.
10. When You and Your Boyfriend Are Having Some PDA
I think it’s safe to say everyone on this street is super happy that you guys like each other.
It’s also the most uncomfortable thing when we’re waiting for the ‘Walk’ light to turn on, and here you guys are, showing us that shoving a tongue down another person’s throat is not life-threatening. We others on the street would be concerned, except you guys seem to like mauling each other.
11. When You’re That Crazy Person Yelling at Everyone
I’m slightly terrified of you. I’m also slightly amused.
You’re kind of like a circus act. Which is great, because I haven’t been to the circus in such a long time! And you’re free to watch. Now I just need my funnel cake.
12. When You’re a Group of Teenage Girls
My mother would never let me dress like that! And why do you have a Tory Burch wristlet?
Where are your parents, this is New York City! You are all so annoying, and you’re blocking the whole street. Get out of my way!
Oh, you like my shoes? You guys are so sweet! LOVE that Tory Burch wristlet girlfriend! Laters!
13. When You’re a Group of Teenage Boys
You guys, your pants are so low and/or too tight. And you all look so young! SO YOUNG!
All of sudden I’m remembering the winged-hair and over-worn baseball caps of boys a while back. And how ridiculous that look was too.
14. When You’re Protesting As a Union
This rat seems to follow me everywhere in New York. Turn on Prince Street, it’s there. Turn on West 4, it’s there. Turn off the dark, it’s in my nightmares.
Protestors, whenever I walk past you. This. Rat. Is. By. You.
Please stop it. He’s a really, really scary version of Templeton. Don’t ruin Charlotte’s Web for me!!!
15. When You’re An Ex-Boyfriend
I’m just walking, probably eating a donut, and SUDDENLY! You appear out of no where!
I forget how young and agile I still am until I see you. I dart across the street, behind a trash can as quick as possible. If my friend is with me, I most likely just lunged her in to a pile of garbage behind the telephone pole.
Did you see us? Ahhhh, I hope not. Now my heart is beating. Now I have to tell everyone. Aahhhh!
16. When We Both Recognize Each Other
We both have simple smiles and polite waves.
Aww, we don’t know each other really well. But we’re both nice enough to attempt to acknowledge the other person.
But how do I know you again? Uh, uh, don’t come by me. I don’t remember your name! I don’t want to do this! Ah! What is your name?!
Panic suppressed. You walked past me and moved on. Breathe, breathe.
17. When We’re Friends and We See Each Other Randomly
FRIEND!!! HI HI HI!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER HERE?! O MY GOSH! HI! WE WERE JUST TEXTING EACH OTHER!!! AH!!!!
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