Work is a place where dreams come true!
O, sorry. Stupid autocorrect! I meant Shake Shack. Shake Shack is a place where dreams come true.
Work is a place where dreams go to die. DIE. It’s a psych ward and its patients have voluntarily submitted themselves for lobotomies and group therapy sessions (AKA Happy Hour). They all have straightjackets tying them to their desks and meals consist of crackers and apple juice.
If you’re one of the lucky few that love your job, then congratulations. Go to Crumbs and buy yourself a cupcake with a candle- light that sucker yourself and celebrate the crap out of your happiness.
I hope you feel bloated and Walgreen’s runs out of Tums. Also, why are you still reading this?!
For the rest of you, the unlucky millions who sit at a stupid cubicle in a stupid corner being yelled at by a stupid boss, here are some ways to get by.
Pull a prank on your coworker.
We can’t all be Jim Halpert. It’s a sad fact, sure, but we can all aspire to be like him! There’s always a Dwight in every place of work, and there’s always a Pam Beasley willing to help you take Dwight down.
Make sure to use any and all resources. Staplers, water bottles, fax machines, drawer keys (lock ‘em out WHOA!). Oh, and do it in your free time. You know, the time where you usually sit contemplating the existence of your human self on this earth.
Practice writing your name in different fonts.
If you ask any ninth grade girl what made her day successful, I promise you it will be something along the lines of, “I finally decided how I’m going to write my I’s! I’m gonna dot them with cute little hearts! So adorbs!”. Yes, 14 year old girl! You know how to live life!
There was an old philosophy I heard long ago. It went, “If, my friend, you are bored at life, take a Bic and some time and perfect your I’s.”*
Nothing, NOTHING will make you forget about work as much as trying to make a bubble letter “N”. Those corners are tough my friend.
*False. False false false false false.
Write a bucket list.
Or a list of phrases you’d tell your boss if you wouldn’t get in trouble. Or food you’re too afraid to try. Or a to do list. Or a grocery list. Or a workout playlist.
OR, you could do all these lists, and maybe when you’re finished, you’ll get to take your lunch break. Now your day’s half over!
Put all the thumbtacks sitting in your drawer on your corkboard.
You have an entire box at your disposal! Jackson Pollock probably started out this way. You have an entire canvas to express yourself via thumbtacks and Post-Its. It’d be a shame if you didn’t allow yourself to shine.
I’m not trying to assume anything, but I’d like to think if Michelangelo was still alive, he’d make the Sistine Chapel 3-D. And removeable.
All right. Good luck kids. If you don’t like these suggestions, well, there must be some paperwork you can help someone with. Let the good times roll.
- Dylann Roof pleaded not guilty to federal hate crime charges in the Charleston church massacre.