My Darling Diet Coke,
Let me begin this letter by regaling your beauty. Since I have known you, your aluminum has never lost its luster. Each letter that spells out your name glistens on your body as the condensation drips down. And your pop tab, oh! Your pop tab makes the sweetest sound as it releases carbonation- just enough of your spellbinding effervescence.
But strip away all of your outer beauty, and you are still magnificent! For it is the mixture of syrup and soda water than make you so delicate and refined. If I may quote Bananarama, “your love, it tastes so sweet/ it hurts me just to stare/ it’s more than I can bare”.
Diet Coke, please understand. This is precisely why I cannot be with you anymore. It’s not that I don’t love you, because I do! You intoxicate me, and I have forgotten who I am without you.
The days of yore, sneaking behind my mother’s back at Culvers- Diet Coke, we were so young! I didn’t know what I was doing. I wanted to be rebellious, ignore my mother’s asparatame allergy! It was good to know back then that I didn’t have to stray away from Diet Jellos and other calorie-less pops. I always came back to you. Always.
But as the years have passed, I realize that I leaned on you for more than you were responsible for. I expected you to be there for me on days I was stressed and angry and sad. I wanted you around for comfort and stability. You used to always be there- in CVS, when I wanted takeout, and even when I went out with my friends.
Diet Coke, don’t you see? I have been too dependent on you! My life has only begun, but for too long I have been dragging myself in your shadow! Now that I am older, I am learning that my independence is not determined by the type of soft drink I consume.
And you’ve changed. No longer do you pay attention to me the way you used to. You’re still there for me, but for some reason, you consistently leave me unsatisfied. I can’t stay happy with you. I keep trying, but you leave as soon as I’m done. You’re no longer the soft drink I can refill and vent my troubles to.
I must tell you, I have began to drink much more water. At first, I was afraid you’d notice, but you have been far too concerned sitting on the tables of American Idol judges and tattooing your can with polar bears.
Listen, Diet Coke, it’s not that I don’t love you- it’s actually quite the opposite. But I have been dependent on you for my happiness, and as of late, it has not been found. You have left me cold and lonely. I need more than that- I deserve more than that.
Water has been so good to me. It never leaves my side and it cares about my well-being. Water keeps me refreshed and energized- when did you ever do that?
Don’t be sad. Someday, maybe a year from now, we can visit each other. Catch up on our lives. Maybe you will have a new tattoo?
We must move on. There is someone for you. Someone who will love you and keep you and someone you can make incredibly happy. I promise.
All my love,