EIGHTEEN MILLION people live in New York City. So why must, on rainy days, half of us suffer from what is known as “Sporatic Umbrella Misconduct” (well, in my mind it’s known as that)?
Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s a law-type thing. Isn’t it? There’s a rule in Indiana that you can’t have a pet giraffe- why should this be any different??
Let me explain. Sporatic Umbrella Misconduct is executed by nine types of hideous people. I’m sure they’re grandmothers or celebrities or really sweet seven year olds or whatever, but they are AWFUL. They use their umbrellas for EVIL, and expose such evils on us mere law-abiding citizens with umbrellas.
We, the former of the two, understand concepts such as “personal space” and “if-it’s-not-raining-there-is-no-need-for-a-freaking-rain-protector-(!!!)”. The latter? They only understand concepts like “jfaklsf” and “owierjfs”.
That’s right- they’re idiots. They can’t even spell! What morons!! Look for these folks next time it’s raining in this fair city, and make sure to take the law in to your own hands…
Actually, don’t do that. Policemen have tasers.
2. 1. People Shorter Than 5’ 5”
Short folks are… short. You can spot them by NOT spotting them…because they’re short. The eye levels won’t ever meet.
But do you know what will meet? Your severe shoulder pain and the corner of his/her umbrella. Yeah. And that flicker of water from the ricochet? That lands on your face.
3. 2. People Leaving To/From Train Stations
Rush hour is never, ever, never a time to try and adjust an umbrella while exiting or leaving the MTA.
EVER, EVER, EVER. There is so much H2O, feet, puddles, smelly shoes, angry people wearing peacoats, and earphone wearing highschoolers. The last thing needed in this world is some rand-o trying to make his life more convenient by making everyone else’s less so.
4. 3. Rihanna
She clearly does not know the purpose of one. She’s flinging that umbrella around, rain is POURING around here. She doesn’t even care. What if there were people walking by her?! HOW RUDE!
5. 4. Toddlers
Have you ever seen a little tyke actually use this device for its given purpose? That answer is no, you have not.
Because the umbrella is a cute monkey or duck or Dora, and all the kid cares about is conversing with said character. They don’t care about rain. At all. They probably even kind of like it.
Also, they’re already violating the 5’ 5” rule, so MAJOR fail.
6. 5. Tourists
You will instantly notice these people because:
A. They don’t move.
B. They have a Nikon.
C. They’re happy.
Their worst offense? They are amazed at EVERYTHING. Corners of buildings, trash on the sidewalk, pollution- you name it. And they take pictures of all that for what? Scrapbooking? Then you add water to it, so they think they can take blurry pictures and can tell their loved ones back in Scandinavia, “This was when it was raining. Raining I tell you! It was magnificent! The air stunk of smelly dogs and people’s dreams! And look at this window! Doesn’t it look SLIGHTLY different from all the other windows in the entire universe you’ve ever seen?!”.
7. 6. People with Giant Umbrellas
We, as law-abiding citizens carrying REGULAR SIZED umbrellas, should have a responsibility to make this person aware of his/her actions. An appropriate conversation below:
LACRSU: Excuse me, Mayor of this Sidewalk!
PwGU: I’m sorry? I’m not the Mayor? Of this Sidwalk?
LACRSU: OH, you’re not? Hmm. I just thought you were because you decided to swallow it all up with your monstrous rain blanket.
PwGU: O my! My umbrella! My, it is big! Thank you for bringing it to my attention! I shall remove it from the ENTIRE sidewalk at once.
LACRSU: Much obliged, and do it now or I’ll throw a hissy fit.
8. 7. People Who Place Their Wet Umbrella On Anything Dry
That seat had a warm bum ready to sit in it.
But that bum’s dream was shattered when it saw the residue left over from its previous seat owner’s umbrella.
Now it is a slightly damp bum.
9. 8. Zeus
Like, you live above the clouds, dude. You really don’t need one. If you actually own one, it was probably purchased during your mid-life crisis, just buying things you don’t need, wasn’t it?
10. 9. THIS person.
What else does he need an umbrella for?? He’s covered. Literally, in rain protective gear.
He’s like a giant lightning bolt gliding through the city. There’s no need for him to be the thunder smacking around other umbrellas with too.
The most important step you need to take with this individual-
Just slap him in the face. Slap him hard. He already knows what he’s done.