1. You’re screwed as soon as you open your eyes.
2. Hey, what’s for breakfast? BLACK COFFEE AND POSITIVE THOUGHTS.
4. But, when your colleagues bring in industrial loads of cake, you genuinely wonder if they’re plotting against you.
5. Especially when they leave it by your desk, which means you spend half your day wiping your own saliva off your keyboard.
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6. Fancy a treat? No problem. Your daily limit is 500 calories, though, so here’s a 20th of an orange. Enjoy!
7. Make sure you chew it 500 times to make the most of it!
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8. You become an expert in filling up on herbal teas and flavoured water to stop your stomach feeling so empty.
9. Your colleagues suggest burritos for lunch and your face goes numb and tingly.
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10. Instead, you eat a salad roughly the size of your thumbnail, and privately examine your colleagues’ various flaws.
11. By mid-afternoon you have a splitting headache.
12. You’ve also given serious thought to body-slamming the cake table.
13. You go for a walk to clear your head, but all the food smells in the restaurant district make you lightheaded.
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15. At the end of the day, your colleagues suggest going for drinks and you tell them to go fuck themselves.
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16. “DRINKS HAVE CALORIES IN THEM, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARDS.”
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17. Immediately you’re mortified. You apologise for your behaviour and promise to be more pleasant tomorrow, when you’re not so hangry.
18. Later, you eat the world’s tiniest dinner, wondering how long it’ll be before you can forgo food all day and have a 500-calorie meal at night.
19. The only things on TV are pornographic cooking shows which cause you to involuntarily make high, keening noises in the back of your throat.
20. So you go to bed at 7 p.m. The sooner you sleep, the sooner tomorrow will come.
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