Marmite. Salty manna from Heaven. And so, so easy to get wrong.
1. When people spread it an inch thick on toast, and your throat gets all clagged up with yeasty treacle.
If you’re unfamiliar with the rites of Marmite, halve the amount on your knife. Then halve it again. Then spread it (on top of plenty of butter). There you go. Perfect.
2. When people spread it too thinly.
Marmite is a tricky beast to get right, and if someone’s Marmiteing for you it’s hard to nitpick without seeming, well, nitpicky. On the other hand - I don’t mean to cast aspersions here - but it it seems to be a rule of thumb that those who spread Marmite too thinly are inevitably also purveyors of cold toast.
3. When you’re at a hotel breakfast buffet and there are 20 different types of jam, but no Marmite.
This little guy can make such a massive difference to the quality of your morning.
4. Or they have Marmite, but they don’t have the right sort of bread.
Every tried wrestling Marmite onto a pretzel? I don’t recommend it.
5. Or someone tries to palm you off with Vegemite because “it’s the same thing”.
Vegemite is not the same thing. It’s saltier, it has a harsh edge, and it quite clearly comes in yellow packaging.
7. Worse than this, though, is when you’re almost out of Marmite.
And you have to stand there for three hours with a knife, surgically scraping microscopic smears of brown paste out of the jar.
8. Or when you absentmindly* mistake Marmite for Nutella.
And your world turns upside-down for 30 seconds while your tastebuds figure out what’s happened.
9. Or when you really fancy some Marmite on toast, but can’t have any because the lid’s stuck shut.
In terms of torture, it’s just one step down from waterboarding.
10. You wish people wouldn’t judge you for making Marmite and crisp sandwiches.
They are delicious.
11. And then there’s the fact that you’ll never visit Denmark because Marmite is banned there.
You need Marmite every day. Marmite is the blood. Marmite is the life.
12. You’re a little bit embarrassed by all the twee Marmite marketing.
13. You sort of wish people would stop messing around with the formula. This, for instance, gets a big no.
Just because they’re both brown doesn’t mean they belong together. By that logic, poo should get involved at some point.
14. Marmite made of Guinness, for some reason. Also no.
See my last.
16. But these are all sorts of wrong.
It’s the term “hefty punch of Marmite”, I think. Also the way that they taste of bum.
17. Yeast-flavoured crisps should never have been a thing.
Marmite and crisps sandwiches, yes. Marmite-flavoured crisps, no. Like I said, a tricky beast to get right.
18. These are just nothingy bites of salty polystyrene.
Marmite’s natural home is on hot buttered toast.
Or atop a steaming toasted crumpet.
Ignore those tomatoes. It must be some sort of error.
Oh Marmite. I could never quit you.
- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›