19 Important Struggles Only Marmite Lovers Will Understand

NO, IT’S NOT THE SAME AS VEGEMITE.

Marmite. Salty manna from Heaven. And so, so easy to get wrong.

1. When people spread it an inch thick on toast, and your throat gets all clagged up with yeasty treacle.

Flickr: kentfredric / Creative Commons

If you’re unfamiliar with the rites of Marmite, halve the amount on your knife. Then halve it again. Then spread it (on top of plenty of butter). There you go. Perfect.

2. When people spread it too thinly.

Flickr: jamescridland / Creative Commons

Marmite is a tricky beast to get right, and if someone’s Marmiteing for you it’s hard to nitpick without seeming, well, nitpicky. On the other hand - I don’t mean to cast aspersions here - but it it seems to be a rule of thumb that those who spread Marmite too thinly are inevitably also purveyors of cold toast.

3. When you’re at a hotel breakfast buffet and there are 20 different types of jam, but no Marmite.

Flickr: osde-info / Creative Commons

This little guy can make such a massive difference to the quality of your morning.

4. Or they have Marmite, but they don’t have the right sort of bread.

Every tried wrestling Marmite onto a pretzel? I don’t recommend it.

5. Or someone tries to palm you off with Vegemite because “it’s the same thing”.

Flickr: azadam / Creative Commons

Vegemite is not the same thing. It’s saltier, it has a harsh edge, and it quite clearly comes in yellow packaging.

6. Or Bovril, FFS.

IT IS MADE. OF A COW.

7. Worse than this, though, is when you’re almost out of Marmite.

Flickr: whatleydude / Creative Commons

And you have to stand there for three hours with a knife, surgically scraping microscopic smears of brown paste out of the jar.

8. Or when you absentmindly* mistake Marmite for Nutella.

Flickr: jaycross / Creative Commons

And your world turns upside-down for 30 seconds while your tastebuds figure out what’s happened.

*”Hungoveredly”

9. Or when you really fancy some Marmite on toast, but can’t have any because the lid’s stuck shut.

Flickr: stuartpilbrow / Creative Commons

In terms of torture, it’s just one step down from waterboarding.

10. You wish people wouldn’t judge you for making Marmite and crisp sandwiches.

Flickr: maryamandathompson / Creative Commons

They are delicious.

11. And then there’s the fact that you’ll never visit Denmark because Marmite is banned there.

Flickr: archer10 / Creative Commons

 

You need Marmite every day. Marmite is the blood. Marmite is the life.

12. You’re a little bit embarrassed by all the twee Marmite marketing.

Flickr: bazzadarambler / Creative Commons

13. You sort of wish people would stop messing around with the formula. This, for instance, gets a big no.

Just because they’re both brown doesn’t mean they belong together. By that logic, poo should get involved at some point.

14. Marmite made of Guinness, for some reason. Also no.

Flickr: richardland / Creative Commons

See my last.

15. These… these are actually okay.

16. But these are all sorts of wrong.

Flickr: whatleydude / Creative Commons

It’s the term “hefty punch of Marmite”, I think. Also the way that they taste of bum.

17. Yeast-flavoured crisps should never have been a thing.

Marmite and crisps sandwiches, yes. Marmite-flavoured crisps, no. Like I said, a tricky beast to get right.

18. These are just nothingy bites of salty polystyrene.

Flickr: osde-info / Creative Commons

Marmite’s natural home is on hot buttered toast.

Flickr: git / Creative Commons

Or atop a steaming toasted crumpet.

Flickr: hills_alive / Creative Commons

Ignore those tomatoes. It must be some sort of error.

19. All salty and melty and mmm.

Flickr: git / Creative Commons

Urrrrrrr

Flickr: git / Creative Commons

Oh Marmite. I could never quit you.

Flickr: stuartpilbrow / Creative Commons

You’re stunning.

Even when they put random crap in you.

Flickr: geishaboy500 / Creative Commons

I love you, too.

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