The Most Insane Things That Ever Happened In The Sweet Valley High Books

Who could resist the beautiful, perfect Southern California Wakefield twins? Most teens in the nineties devoured the book series with the soft-focus covers and the endless “beautiful person problems” of the blond, perfect size six Wakefield twins. I guess with almost two hundred books in the series, I guess it's hard to think of new ideas, but these are out of control. And they all totally happened. Read more about the insanity in the new book If You Lived Here, You'd Be Perfect By Now: The Unofficial Guide to Sweet Valley High, available as an Amazon Kindle ebook.

Elizabeth gets in a motorcycle accident and is a coma. When she wakes up, she has a complete personality change: she’s a narcissistic, boy-obsessed brat. In other words, she turns into her twin sister. She regains her original personality when she bangs her head against notorious playboy Bruce Patman’s oak bed- when they’re about to do it!

Elizabeth gets kidnapped by a creepy orderly who serves her nothing from frozen pancakes. Even weirder? It doesn't explain how she uses the bathroom!

Jessica has a total emo meltdown because her friends go to the mall without her. This is like, the worst thing ever. So what does one do in this situation? Join a cult of course! Jessica is this close to running away with the Good Friends cult before she is saved by an undercover reporter.

Beautiful and tragically hearing-impaired and aspiring model Regina Morrow can’t catch a break- first she’s kidnapped, and now she’s pressured into snorting cocaine at a party, only to suffer a fatal heart attack. Hey kids, drugs are bad!

Sisters always fight, it’s inevitable. But happens when you are mad at your sister for trying to steal the title of prom queen from you? Spike her punch, let her get behind the wheel, and then kill your boyfriend with vehicular manslaughter. Teenagers, am I right?

John Pfeifer blames Lila Fowler ruining his life by accusing him of attempted rape. What's a guy to do? Of course, try to burn down Lila's house, frame her for arson, and then strap dynamite to his chest and threaten to blow up the stadium during a football game. Teenagers and their problems, am I right?

A sociopath teenager named Margo sees a picture of the Wakefield twins and coincidentally looks identical to them. Naturally, she heads across the country, murdering children and anyone else that gets in the way of her goal to kill Elizabeth Wakefield and take over her life. Her evil plan is thwarted when she is thrown out a window and dies from being impaled by glass shards...or was she?

In the sequel no one asked for, Margo never really died, and killed the paramedics that were taking away her body. She finds out that SHE has a long lost identical twin, Nora (I mean, what are the odds? Apparently pretty high.) Nora and Margo now hatch a plan to kill both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield and live as the Wakefield twins. Except, they argue over who gets to be Jessica, because she's more fun. Margo then murders Nora, except everyone thinks Jessica was murdered, so they hold a huge memorial for her in the high school, except that Margo has Jessica tied up in the boiler room of the school for several days, and now Elizabeth must track down Margo and murder her and OH MY GOD did I mention these were children's books?

You've been a loser all your life. What's the most likely thing to do to fix it? Well, duh, you blame it on your college rival (the mother of the Wakefield Twins), so you hatch a plan to get back at her by taking twenty years to open up a remote spa resort, hire and brainwash teenage runaways to staff the spa, and then somehow trick your rival into thinking she won a contest to the spa. While visiting at the spa, you terrorize her and her teenage daughters, and finally plan to steal your rival's face to surgically affix to your own so you'll be beautiful. Too bad your foolproof, two-decade plan is thwarted by those perfect Wakefield twins!

Jessica gets a perfect score on her SATs. That’s crazier than people stealing people’s faces and murderous lookalikes.