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35 Rules All British People Live By

Say no to politicised knitting.

1. Don’t be a dickhead.

2. Politicians usually deserve it.

The Times / Via reddit.com

3. Good things come to those who wait.

4. Do not feed the mattresses.

5. When it comes to politics, make sure you think about your vote carefully.

6. If you’re going to write a letter, it’s best to do it on a cake.

7. When encountering your future king, make sure your towel is secure.

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8. It’s best to avoid Chinese restaurants with French names serving English classics.

9. Always dress smartly, because you never know who you might meet.

Will you ever see a photo better than this? Geoff Boycott with his favourite pop star @katyperry! #TestMatchSpecial

— tmsproducer (@Adam Mountford)

10. If your dog has large nipples, take extra care.

11. And if you make a mistake, don’t say anything and hope that no one notices.

12. If all else fails, pub.

14. Don’t buy these.

15. Politicised knitting is an absolute no no.

16. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.

17. It’s important that you spend time with like-minded people.

18. Don’t go and see this psychic.

19. This response is always appropriate.

20. Don’t listen to self service checkout machines.

21. Learn from the mistakes of others.

22. Acronyms aren’t always your friend.

23. Under no circumstances should you pass up the opportunity to use a good pun.

25. Beware of bold claims.

26. Don’t be fooled by clever marketing. Even if it’s about beer.

28. Never sugarcoat the truth.

29. When considering committing a sex act in the street, always look around for the Google Maps camera first.

30. Don’t do that in the shower.

31. Toilet: Yes, Seaweed: No.

32. Stick to pavements.

33. When commuting, leave the farm animals at home.

34. Try not to post letters into a dog poo box if at all possible.

35. And finally…

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