1. Move down the carriage.
2. If people aren't moving down the carriage, shout, "Please can you move down the carriage."
3. If people still don't move down, do nothing, but imagine the ways you'd make them suffer if you weren't scared of conflict.
4. Give up your seat if a pregnant woman is standing.
5. Give up your seat if an elderly person is standing.
6. Give up your seat if someone who appears to have a massive hangover and looks like they could use an act of human kindness is standing.
7. If you're the kind of person who falls asleep easily, try to lean your head on the glass.
8. If someone falls asleep on your shoulder, look awkward and don't say anything.
9. If someone falls asleep on the shoulder of the person opposite you, smile gently as if to say, "That must be annoying, people, eh?"
10. Under no circumstances should you eat on the tube before 11pm.
11. Always allow people to get off the train before you try to get on.
12. If someone tries to get on the train before you're able to get off it, give them a firm shove with your shoulder.
13. Make sure you have money on your Oyster before you go through the barrier in case you get stuck, holding up everyone behind you.
14. If the front seat of the DLR is available you MUST sit in it and pretend you're the driver.
15. If there is a dog on the tube you have to stroke it.
16. If you grab the handrail and accidentally touch someone's hand, quickly move it away and pretend nothing happened.
17. When you fall in love on the tube you must sit there saying nothing until it's too late, and you must then berate yourself all day long.
18. If other people can hear your music through your headphones, your music is too loud.
19. Always keep your feet off the seats.
20. Unless you're hungover and there's no one around.
21. If you arrive on the platform and there's more than four minutes until the next train you're allowed to cry.
22. Always stand on the right.
23. If you're standing on the left, don't be surprised when someone pushes you down the escalator.
24. Every time the automated voice says "Cockfosters", you must laugh.
25. PDAs on the tube are a fucking no-no.
26. As is making eye contact with anyone at any time.
27. And talking to people you don't know.
28. If someone starts talking to you, just close your eyes and pretend you're asleep.
29. No matter how confident you are in your fitness, NEVER take the stairs at Covent Garden. You'll regret it.
30. If the train stops in a tunnel for more than 10 seconds you must decide who you'd eat first if you were to be stuck down there indefinitely.
31. Shower at least once every day. No one wants to be the smelly one on the tube.
32. Don't travel at the weekend, because more often than not you couldn't if you wanted to.
33. If you and another passenger go to sit in the same seat, stand there insisting the other one take the seat until someone gets off.
34. If there are only two of you in the carriage you must sit as far away from each other as possible.
35. Don't try to get to the door before the train has stopped and the doors have opened. People will hate you.
36. If at all possible, avoid taking a suitcase on the tube during rush hour.
37. But if you have no other option, you must accept it when people stare and tut at you.
38. Don't read the texts of other passengers over their shoulder.
39. (Unless you're really bored.)
40. (Or their texts are really interesting.)
41. Never lean on the poles, they're for holding only.
42. When changing trains at Bank, take a packed lunch in case you get lost and need sustenance.
43. If you accidentally touch a fellow passenger in a sensitive area upon losing your balance, hand yourself into the police.
44. Men: Opening your legs wide doesn't make you more of a man, just more of a twat.
45. Seats are for people. Not for bags.
46. Always cover your mouth when sneezing or coughing.
47. If someone gets trapped in the closing doors, laugh ONLY when you're sure they're not injured.
48. If they are injured, you can laugh once you're sure the injuries aren't fatal.
49. Whenever you pass through Angel, you must mention that it has the longest escalator on the tube network.
50. It's wrong to hit loud children. No matter how much you want to.
51. Never take a photo of someone on the train without their knowledge.
52. (Unless your flash and sound are both off, in which case snap away!)
53. Never use the doors between the carriages while the train is in motion.
54. Unless you're desperately trying to get away from a scary old man who keeps trying to talk to you.
55. Only wear a "Baby on Board" badge if you're actually pregnant.
56. Do not abandon your newspaper on the tube as soon you're bored with it.
57. Do not abandon your children on the tube as soon as you're bored with them.
58. Avoid card clash.
59. If you tell someone on the tube who happens not to be smiling to "cheer up, love", they are legally permitted to set you on fire.
60. If you play music on your phone without using headphones, you will be asked to leave the train, possibly without waiting for it to reach a station.
61. Mind the gap.
