1. House Cymru
House sigil: A dragon.
House motto: “Here be dragons.”
Enemies: They’d claim anyone from England, but really they’re too nice to have enemies.
Strength: Being able to communicate without the use of vowels.
2. House Merseyside
House sigil: A yellow submarine.
House motto: “You’ll never walk alone.”
Enemies: House Lancashire (of which they used to be a part of until a civil war).
Strengths: Inventing pop music.
3. House Norfolk
House sigil: Alan Partridge.
House motto: “A Ha!”
Enemies: House Suffolk.
Strengths: Local radio.
4. House Lancashire
House sigil: A red rose.
House motto: “Rain is coming, our kid.”
Enemies: House Yorkshire.
Strengths: Tolerating dampness.
5. House Alba
House sigil: A can of Irn-Bru.
House motto: “Anyone but England.”
Enemies: Everyone south of The Wall.
Strengths: Daein wit they want.
6. House Cornwall
House sigil: A Cornish pasty.
House motto: “Further than you think.”
Enemies: House Devon.
Strengths: Surfing and hen parties.
7. House Yorkshire
House sigil: A white rose.
House motto: “Now then, dickhead.”
Enemies: House Lancashire.
Strengths: Mid- to late ’00s indie music.
8. House Manx
House sigil: The three legs of Man.
House motto: “Three legs. Cats with no tails. Don’t fuck with us.”
Enemies: The Iron Bank of Westminster, thanks to its opinion on tax havens.
Strengths: The Tour de France.
(Disclaimer: The Isle of Man is, of course, not in Britain. But let’s ignore that for the sake of a joke.)
9. House Tyne
House sigil: The Newcastle fan punching the horse.
House motto: “We even punch horses.”
Enemies: House Mackem.
Strengths: Being able to wander around topless during the depths of winter.
10. House Birmingham
House sigil: A bull (to represent The Bullring).
House motto: “Not North. Not South.”
Enemies: No one really notices House Birmingham enough to go to war with them. Except when you have to go through there on the train.
Strengths: Heavy metal. Also, they have a train station.
11. House London
House sigil: A roundel.
House motto: “Please stand on the right.”
Enemies: Anyone north of House Watford.
Strengths: Walking quickly while avoiding making eye contact with others.