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55 Thoughts Everyone Has At Group Dinners

Can we split the check 18 ways? Thanks.

1. Shit, I’m late.
2. False alarm. Barely anyone’s here yet.
3. K, where do I sit?
4. Not on the end.
5. Anywhere but the end.
6. The end is for the people who almost weren’t invited.
7. Oh no. The second-circle friends just arrived.
8. Please don’t sit next to me, please don’t sit next to me, please don’t sit next to me.
9. NOOOO. WHYYY. GOOD GOD, I BARELY KNOW YOU.

10. I am a terrible person. I need like a goblet of gin.
11. I should have pre-gamed for this, why am I sober?
12. What’s up with the descriptions on the cocktail menu?
13. “Bitters”…?
14. Maybe I’ll split two entrees with someone.
15. Wait, no, that’s never that satisfying.
16. Plus I literally barely know the people sitting next to me.
17. What are they even talking about?
18. Oh, wow, their pets. Shoot me.
19. Man, all my actual friends look like they’re having fun down there.
20. What are they laughing about?
21. I want to laugh.
22. I should’ve sat on the end.
23. UGH, they’re making memories that will last a lifetime.

24. FOOD. Finally.
25. Mine looks pretty good.
26. Ooh, but hers looks amazing.
27. I really want to try a bite. Oh my god she’s going to give me one.
28. That was the best bite of my entire effing life.
29. I should’ve gotten what she got.
30. Note to self: Get that next time you come here.
31. Yeah, I guess you can “try” my drink.
32. Like you’ve never tasted a gin and tonic…
33. Yep, it tastes like every other gin and tonic.

34. How did the bill possibly get that high?
35. Are we splitting the bill or tallying individually?
36. OK, individually. So how much was mine?
37. Ah. OK. That’s… a lot.
38. We’re still short how much?
39. I paid for mine.
40. I’m not putting in more.
41. Why is everyone talking and pretending like we don’t have to figure out the bill.
42. OK, one person just figure it out.
43. Not me.
44. ONE person.
45. WHO DID NOT PAY WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK THIS IS???????

46. So NOW we decide to just split the whole tab evenly.
47. I should’ve gotten another drink.
48. No, I don’t have cash.
49. No, I don’t have Venmo.
50. Mine definitely didn’t cost that much.
51. He should pay more because he got like three appetizers.
52. Whatever.
53. Twenty percent included tip? But our waiter ignored us the whole time.
54. OK, so can we leave now?
55. Great, I’m starving.

10. EXPECTATIONS

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