83 Thoughts Every Woman Has While Breastfeeding

The pump was definitely invented by someone who hates women.

1. Can you stop sucking already?
2. Seriously, you can’t still be hungry.
3. You have been doing this all day.
4. This isn’t an all-you-can-eat buffet.

5. Maybe you’re getting too comfy on the Boppy.
6. How did people breastfeed before Boppy pillows?
7. Oh no, don’t fall asleep.
8. Wake up.
9. Wake THE HELL up.
10. I shouldn’t wake up a sleeping baby.
11. But it’s on my nipple.
12. I’d eventually like my nipples back.
13. Is that asking too much?

AP Photo/Berjuan Toys

14. OK, you’re sucking again.
15. Oww…sucking a bit too hard!
16. That’s better.
17. Wait, did you just stop?
18. No, no — keep sucking.
19. You have to know how to latch on by now!
20. Nose to nipple, remember?
21. Do I have to call La Leche League?
22. You’re gonna starve!

23. Maybe my milk supply is too low?
24. God, I wish I were a cow.
25. Not literally… you know what I mean.
26. Wait, are you on my areola?
27. I can’t believe I’m saying the word, “areola.”
28. I’m not even sure how to pronounce it.
29. Goody, you’re sucking again.
30. But we’re not in the football hold!
31. Or the crossover hold!
32. I think we just invented a new position.

33. Oh, who the hell cares; your lower jaw is moving.
34. Maybe I can meet up with the girls tomorrow night.
35. I really need a drink.
36. You’ll understand one day.
37. Especially if you end up breastfeeding someone.
38. But what if I start leaking?
39. I’ll wear my leopard print camouflage coat.
40. And my nursing bra.
41. God, those things are so unsexy.

42. I’ll also have to pump before I go out.
43. And pump when I get back.
44. The pump was definitely invented by someone who hates women.
45. It’s like some kind of medieval torture.
46. Forget the pump — I’ll just go out for an hour.
47. Would it be wrong to stop your feeding to text someone?
48. I’m getting bored being your sole source of nourishment.

49. Oh my god, do you ever stop eating?
50. Why can’t men do this?
51. Their nipples are totally useless.
52. I wish I could feed you through my pinky.
53. That way I wouldn’t have to spend my entire day topless.
54. Or get creepy stares if I feed you in the park.
55. Are people really talking on their phones or taking pictures?
56. Those nursing covers provide no coverage.
57. I think they just draw more attention to us.

58. You know what would draw even more attention?
59. If we’re still doing this when you’re old enough to say, “Mom, gimme a snack.”
60. Let’s not even go there.
61. I’m going to turn on the TV.
62. I know you’re not supposed to watch it until you’re 2.
63. Just look the other way.
64. Yay, Facts of Life marathon!
65. I think Tootie was misunderstood.
66. Natalie too.

Breastfeeding c. 1790: less pumping, more hats. Hulton Archive / Getty Images

67. Wait, are you faking me out, or are you really done?
68. OK, I’m going to put you in your crib and button my top.
69. Please forget about my breasts for a few hours.
70. Thank God in heaven you’re sleeping.
71. You are such an angel when you’re not depleting me of nutrients and energy.
72. Breastfeeding is fun.
73. Maybe Gisele is right: There should be a worldwide law for women to breastfeed.

Image Source/Image Source

74. I really should thank that lactation consultant.
75. She said the cracked and bleeding nipples were worth it.
76. I’m going to be so sad when I have to wean you.
77. Wait, stop crying, you cannot be hungry again.
78. I’m going to pretend you’re not wailing.
79. I can’t feed you again.
80. I’m tapped out.
81. Please have some sympathy for me.
82. I just put away the Boppy!
83. Fine. You win.

Cherry-Merry/Cherry-Merry

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