1. The “Wary of Newspapermen” Face
When you are an earl in this day and age, there is almost always a newspaperman making a play for one of your daughters. Why the silly fools go along with it, science can never explain, but a sturdy sideways glance makes clear where one stands.
2. The “I’m Glad You Still Think My Agreement Has a Part to Play” Face
Let a son-in-law come in and bail out the estate, and next thing you know he’ll be setting up meetings with Jarvis without even consulting you. Pained sarcasm is the only expression adequate for such moments.
3. The “But You Seem to Have So Many” Face
We do try to be nice about such things, but when streetwalkers are serving tea to one’s granddaughters, the point must be made, hurt as it might to make it.
4. The “Do You Mean to Say That Chauffeur Is Going to Live with Us Forever?” Face
There are moments when it feels the entire universe is conspiring to turn one of England’s finest houses into a glorified Jiffy Lube.
5. The “You Want to Blow It All to Smithereens” Face
New machinery!?! New methods!?! New techniques!?! You might as well talk about moving sidewalks or giving tenants the right to vote! Downton has lasted perfectly well for centuries without any new techniques, thank you very much.
6. The “Self Supporting!?” Face
Will someone please stop me before I let another Bolshevik agitator marry into this family?
7. The “You Can’t Possibly Mean to Write for a Newspaper” Face
“I meant paint watercolors or something!” When we advised Edith to occupy herself how could we have imagined she’d sink so low?
8. The “Nothing Good Comes from Hiring a Handsome Footman” Face
If I had my druthers, the staff would all look like Jimmy Durante to a man, and then we could have some finger bowls set properly. Let him follow with the sauce tonight; we’ll see how the peacock struts then.
9. The “You Have Fumbled the Lobster Tails and Brought Shame Upon this House” Face
We are disgraced.
10. The “Good Lord the Christening” Face
Roman Catholics! Mechanic brothers! Heaven save us all.
11. The “May I Shame the Footmen as I See Fit” Face
There was a time when asking a lad to ponder how he has thrown away the chance of a lifetime with his shameful handling of the lobster tails was not considered a punishment worthy of the Spanish Inquisition.
12. The “Awoken by an Infernal Racket” Face
If the four horsemen of the apocalypse had galloped down the servants’ hall, they would not have made such commotion.
13. The “Not at Breakfast, for Heaven’s Sake” Face
Calling the serving girl “tasty” before we’ve even had our scones?
14. The “How Grand It Is to Hear of One’s Son-in-Law’s Irish Sheep Farmer Relations” Face
Is there nothing they won’t make one listen to in one’s own drawing room?
15. The “How Dare You Keep Secrets from Me” Face
The slippery slope begins with footmen keeping confidences from their head butler.
16. The “How Dare You Try to Confuse the Issue with…Papers” Face
If it’s money you want, there’s this fellow in America…Charles, what’s his name…? Ponzi. He can get us all we need.
17. The “Rooms over the Garage” Face
It takes a lot to ruffle Her Ladyship’s feathers these days. But the notion of her granddaughter living above a garage is enough to make even the heartiest soul weak in the knees.
18. The “Carson’s Bringing the ‘Beer’” Face
Why not just open a Starbucks in the boudoir while we’re at it?
19. The “You Saw Them Doing What?” Face
“As he should’ve been, my god!”