What It’s Like To Revisit 1987’s “Claymation Christmas Celebration" While Drunk

So it being December and all I, not having anything better to do than get drunk off old beer and watch ’80s cartoon specials, decided to take an inebriated stroll down Memory Lane.

Alright! Lets do this!

Featuring the California Raisins! I remember that being a thing back then. Borderline racist singing raisins. Crazy how popular they were during the late 80’s. I never understood why they would support a company that promoted the wholesale slaughter of their brethren. #SelfHatingSentientDriedGrapes

So we open in London’s Christmas Square, apparently, in what can only be assumed to be a post apocalyptic world where man has either fallen or interbred with other species to create a new race of highly evolved animals, intent on continuing ancient religious rituals.

Also, Dinosaurs. Why Dinosaurs? Did John Hammond get curious on those lonely Isla Nublar nights? Also also, how these highly evolved talking animals built and maintained the social infrastructure without opposable thumbs is just one of the many questions left unansw….Wait, what’s that?

Sweet Jesus!

Rex and Herb, the pre-historic odd couple. ..these guys totally have a thing going on. Herb is definitely a TriceraPOWERtop, amirite!?

Lolz, dogs selling waffles

This was always my favorite segment and yet it always scared the crap out of me. Why did the camels have sneakers and cleft lips? Why were they so rude with their sassy interruptions??

“’Sup Gurl?”

“Ooohhh, Ohhh….Jesus Christ!”

Is that a mustache? Is it tied on there?? Did he kill someone for it???

Hipster camels are hipster.

“Herb, you fuckin’ fatass”

Good God! Why do they Have teeth!?

Wilford Brimley bell is an ass!

“I will punch the shit out of you!”

Are those eggs? Is that one selling her unborn children??

One of the weakest Xmas songs makes for one of the trippiest segments. This is some inception shit right here.

“Dude…what if, like, the whole world is just somebody else’s Christmas ornament?..”

“All Heil Klaus!”

I don’t know what’s more terrifying; the Stoned Turd, the Pedo Saltwater Taffy, or the Doughnut’s socks and sandals combo. SNAP SNAP

We must go deeper!

Terrifying. Hope slave elves get workers comp.

So these elves obviously have powerful magic at their disposal, and yet still feel the need to put the most decrepit looking elf on bicycle power duty. Maybe it’s his punishment for wanting to unionize.

“Good for nothing Kris, passed out drunk at 7pm. He hasn’t touched me in years. Glad I’m banging bicycle elf in the dimension next door…”

“Dude, let’s go to 7-11”
“Lol Where’s our parents?”

Rule 34, no exceptions. #WalrusBewbs

Alright, I stand corrected, THIS is the trippiest segment. Never take peyote before going to church. Once that sitar kicks in, shit gets real. It’s funny they’re talking about joy, because this looks like souls being tormented for eternity.

Don’t let the fireworks fool you, these are the souls of the damned.

Alright, here we go, raisin time..

You telling me that the famous singing and dancing sensation that are “The California Raisins” have to take public transportation? Reaganomics was especially tough for Motown-singing anthropomorphic dried fruit.

Pimp as fuck.

“Onward bitches!”

Plot twist: They were actually in the dressing room the whole time shooting up with the camels from the first bit.

“You kids wanna buy some drugs?”

Of course the one’s bringing the booze are Leprechauns

“Turn down for what?!”

“Getting real tired of your shit, Herb…”

Wait, he acknowledges that this was all a ‘Claymation special’? Does he not question the whole purpose of his existence?

42. EPILOGUE

Shortly thereafter, Herb died of a massive cardiac arrest.

Despite being life partners, Rex did not hesitate to eat Herb’s corpse, like the merciless predator that he is.

The California Raisins disbanded a couple of months later.

A.C, the lead singer of the group, died of a heroin overdose,

And Slick the manager, was arrested for domestic violence and money laundering.

Mrs. Claus continues her love affair with Decrepit Old Elf, behind Santa’s back.

The kids parents still haven’t appeared.

They remain too stoned to care.

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