1. You motivate yourself to get out of bed with the mantra “first in, last out.”
2. And you find it hilarious* when your friends complain about their 9 a.m. jobs.
*Infuriating. Ridiculous. Inexcusable. Inexplicable. Really just fucking absurd.
3. You’ve timed your commute down to the last second so you know exactly which subway car to get in.
4. Because riding the infernal NYC subway in the summertime IN A SUIT is your version of hell.
5. For most people, whiskey is an acquired taste. For you, it’s a required taste.
7. You’ve mastered the art of the seven-minute bathroom nap…
8. But even then, you dream fitfully about mislabeling Excel sheets and subsequently getting fired.
9. You can’t remember the last time you paid for your own dinner.
This is you at 8pm everyday.
10. And you know exactly what you can get for $25 from every restaurant in a 2-mile radius.
Even though you’ve never actually been to any of them.
11. Seriously, company-expensed Seamless.com meals have you bursting at the seams.
12. Speaking of seams, you look super fly 24/7.
13. And, obviously, “Suit & Tie” is your summer anthem.
The trading floor, of course.
14. You’re the only one of your friends who carries around a Blackberry despite it being 2013.
(In addition to your black caseless iPhone 5.)
15. And, although your every move is dictated by that blinking red light…
16. It feels pretty badass to be a two-phones kinda kid.
17. Speaking of phones, you’ve gotten pretty used to this:
19. And, as a result, all your friends, family, and romantic prospects are acting kinda like this:
20. Which is OK because you’re in an intense, exclusive, long-term relationship with your job.
21. When your friends leave work at 6 p.m., you’re just about finishing up the first half of your workday.
22. And when you leave work at midnight, you’re thrilled to be getting out “early.”
23. You wish you could tell that company-expensed car service to drop you literally to your bed.
24. Because reading this list just took up all five minutes of free time you had today.
25. But at the end of the day, you go harder than anyone else you know.
26. So take one quick second to pat yourself on the back.
27. Now get back to work, buddy. The financial sector isn’t gonna run itself.
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