2. You’re angry for a second, but then glad to know that for some champion somewhere, the party started at 4am.
3. You clean your entire house and then marvel at it because it hasn’t looked this good in… Well, a year.
4. You slip into brand new clothes and get dolled up. Any excuse to look fly is a good excuse to look fly.
5. And it’s nice to see everyone around you looking presentable for once, too.
7. The spirit of charity in the air compels everyone to give presents to everyone.
8. If you’re lucky, you get a bonus from work… Or from Goddess Lakshmi. Who knows?
9. But it means you get to go shopping. With ridiculous diwali discounts.
10. You receive texts all day from friends and family, old and new, wishing you happiness and prosperity.
11. (In the process, your inbox turns into a repository of some particularly hilarious mass texts.)
12. And you have an excuse to send good wishes to everyone you care about, too.
13. You stuff your face with sweets all day, guilt-free. Can’t defy tradition, bro, pass the laddoos.
14. Every doorstep is decorated with beautiful, colorful rangoli.
15. … Okay, even if it doesn’t last long, it’s great while it’s there.
16. When the sun sets, your home glows from the light of hundreds of diyas.
18. You have multiple reunions with friends and family all day.
19. (Even the friends you don’t remember and the family you didn’t know you were related to.)
20. Everyone’s celebrations start differently.
21. But at some point in the night, someone breaks out the cards and the gambling begins.
22. At which point everyone goes broke except the dadis and nanis, whose years of experience make them expert gamblers.
23. This goes without saying, but… FIREWORKS!
(Hopefully of the non-polluting, eco-friendly, non-child-labor-made variety.)