1. They have hundreds of friends and active social lives. You have Netflix.
4. Their dance moves are inspired by the golden era of dance. Yours are an embarrassment to culture as a whole.
5. While you schlep around in bizarre clothing that should be burned, they have impeccable fashion sense.
6. They routinely go on amazing, exciting vacations… While you’re home with your cats and your lameness.
8. And, at those parties, they rage longer and harder than you’re capable of.
9. (It doesn’t hurt that they can afford better alcohol than the shameful $4 pink champagne that you drink.)
10. They always know about relevant cultural happenings before you do.
11. When your friends come over, they’re more excited to hang out with your parents than with you.
And who can blame them?
12. Your family always won at Halloween… Because your parents are brilliant, and you’re a good prop.
14. They’re firm proponents of letting you be you… Whoever that is.
15. When you find old pictures of your folks, you realize you’re much lamer than they were at your age.
18. They have fun, exciting hobbies and talents. Your talent is eating Cheetos and being a loser.
20. Because they know exactly when to draw the line, and even when you’re a dumbass, they’ve got your back.
21. You were never embarrassed about being seen with your folks, because they fit right in.
If anything, they should be embarrassed to be seen with you.
22. They use their badass-ness to defend you fiercely at every opportunity.
- Prosecutors will seek the death penalty for Dylann Roof, accused of killing 9 people in a Charleston church in June. ›