The 23 Most Mortifying Milestones On Your Way To Womanhood

Because most of your growing up happens when you’re busy wishing you could disappear.

1. The horror of first-time bra shopping.

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2. When your friends got their period before you did.

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And you seriously, genuinely doubted your femaleness for a while.

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3. The mixture of relief and panic when you finally got yours.

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4. Your first attempt to follow tampon instructions.

With your best friend shouting words of encouragement from outside the bathroom door.

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5. When you finally figured out how you’re supposed to wear your hair.

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And you realized you’ve looked kinda like a hedgehog for the last 20 years.

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6. The first time someone else’s tongue was in your mouth.

And instead of seeing sparks, you were preoccupied tasting the remnants of their breakfast burrito.

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7. When you started wearing makeup and weren’t yet good at it.

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So you spent a year of your life being mistaken for a clown.

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8. When someone put hot wax on your eyebrows and then ripped them off your face.

Not only did you yelp at a crowded salon, but your forehead was also bright red for the next two hours.

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9. That one night you had an unprompted sex dream about your best friend.

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And you had to keep pretending nothing had changed even though everything had changed. Forever.

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10. The moment you stopped being able to always tell your dad everything.

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Mostly because he didn’t want to know the gory details of your adolescence. And who can blame him?

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11. When you realized panty lines were a thing and opted into having a permanent wedgie instead.

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12. The first time you fell head-over-heels, batshit insane, stalker-level “in like” with someone.

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13. And then you were rejected by this person you had decided was the love of your life.

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14. The first time you chickened out of having sex.

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15. Aaaand the first time you didn’t.

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16. When “home” stopped being your parents’ house.

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17. The first time mom and dad came to visit, and you hid away all your condoms and Cosmos in one drawer of grown-up paraphernalia.

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18. When you started lying to your mom about your finances, just so she wouldn’t worry.

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19. The small talk you made with the cashier while buying a pregnancy test.

When you ended up buying a pack of gum too, in a feeble attempt to diffuse your mortification.

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20. Every time you drunk-dialed your ex.

So many marriage proposals left via voicemail at 4 a.m.

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21. When you started choosing nights in over nights out and couldn’t figure out why.

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22. The simultaneous thrill and terror when you looked in a mirror one morning and actually found yourself attractive.

Perhaps you’ve escaped your awkward stage after all.

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23. And that time you spent an entire year of your life with this song on repeat. Happy singalong, girls.

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Did I say girls? I meant women.

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