1. You have their “Where are you going? Who are you going with? When will you be back? What will you eat? Who’s driving?” speech memorized.
2. The phrase “hook up” means something totally different to them than it does to you.
“The Sharmas’ daughter is in town. You should hook up with her, make her feel welcome!” Mmmmmk, mom.
3. If they’re on an international phone call, they speak 100 decibels louder than usual. Nobody knows why.
5. They raised you to believe that physical strength comes from doodh and Chyawanprash.
6. No matter how successful you are, they know someone whose kid has a higher SAT score, better salary, or more attractive significant other than you.
Or all of the above.
7. Of all the pressures placed on you, none is more serious than to eat, beta, eat.
8. And the most serious threat you could incur was a chappal or juti thrashing.
Even if they didn’t act on it even once, the fear was real. #BatasBeatBetas
9. When they try to insult you, they end up insulting themselves.
11. And all it takes is one Black Label for dad (and one glass of wine for mom) to bust them out unselfconsciously.
12. Much to your mortification, they are shameless bargainers.
13. They consider themselves certified doctors, even if they’ve never set foot in med school.
Everyone knows that if you don’t cover your chest, you’ll get pneumonia and if anything goes wrong, ginger and honey will fix it.
14. Their love for you is inversely proportional to the acceptance rate of the college you get into.
15. One of their highest priorities is keeping you out of the sun.
16. Chai is consumed more frequently at your home than water.
17. They’ve made you touch the feet of people you’ve literally never met before in your life.
18. Because they’re constantly introducing you to thousands of relatives that you didn’t even know existed.
19. Everything you wear is too scandalous for their sanskari desi eyes.
Never mind that Indian women have been baring their midriffs for longer than anyone can remember. #SariSwag
21. They take great pride in showing you their childhood haunts every time you visit.
Regardless of how many times you’ve been before.
22. You kept your first five significant others secret from them, and they were nice enough to fall for your lies.
Or at least pretend to.
23. One of their special skills is to bust out old school Bollywood tunes at the top of their lungs, when you least expect it.
Both beautiful and terrifying.