1. You know how you used to be able to go full days on barely any sleep? Yeah, no. Give me eight hours, or give me death.
2. And you know how you hated naps as a kid? Now you’d kill for one. Anytime. Anywhere.
3. No matter how hard you try, you will break every diet you begin. Nothing feels as good as chocolate cake tastes.
4. Which is OK, because at some point you’ll have a revelatory moment when you realize: Oh, wait. I’m perfect. Just like this.
5. Everyone is crazy. Literally. Every single human is insane.
If you meet someone who seems to have their shit completely together, they’re actually just doing a very good job pretending.
6. Your best friends are the people whose insanity is compatible with yours.
7. And those people – the people you love and need the most – will also be the ones you get angriest at.
8. You will spend a depressing proportion of your free time doing mind-numbing household chores. No cute punchline here. Just a sad, sad fact.
9. You can live with people you’re best friends with, or whom you don’t know at all. Anything in between is a recipe for disaster.
10. You will have to work a lot of shitty, irrelevant jobs…
11. And even then, when you’ve bagged your dream job, there will be awful bosses and long days.
12. But it’s all worth it on the best day of every month: SALARY DAY.
13. Speaking of which: You will try very hard to save money. But somehow, there will be so, so, so many weeks when all you can afford is Ramen.
14. Primarily because your money-managing logic is: “I saved $7 on lunch, so I deserve these $80 shoes.” WRONG.
15. Approximately once a month, regardless of your relationship status, this will be you:
16. And even if you think you’re done feeling FOMO, there will be some Friday nights when you succumb.
17. The older you get, the more time you’ll spend removing unwanted bodily hair from places you didn’t even know you could grow any.
18. And you will never be immune to making egregious and mortifying grooming decisions.
19. Even though your hangovers get more and more painful with time…
20. You’ve always known your family was nuts, but it quickly becomes apparent that so is everyone else’s.
21. And the most significant family members aren’t the ones you’re born with, but the ones you find on your own.
22. You have to date a lot of Janices before you find your Monica.
23. And even the most perfect relationship you’re ever in will have some nasty, nasty rough patches.
24. Way before you’re ready for it, people younger than you will be using slang you don’t understand.
25. You will constantly, forever, unendingly develop huge, devastating crushes on people you SHOULD NOT have crushes on.
26. Life happens, people move away, and you get used to never thinking about people you thought you couldn’t live without.
*They don’t always get off the plane.
27. No matter how hard you try to slow it down, time keeps on flying.
28. And even though it feels like, far too often, your job’s a joke, you’re broke, and your love life’s DOA…
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