1. The ability to feed yourself on a daily basis.
2. At least one friend. More would be OK. But one, minimum.
3. An outfit that says “I’m a mature professional,” and not “I have no idea what I’m doing with my life and I think I have popcorn lodged in my bra, sorry.”
Hint: Not this^
4. The ability to be woken up by an alarm.
5. A going-out dress in which you won’t TOTALLY flash everybody around you.
In general, try to keep the flashage at a minimum. You’re a goddamn adult.
6. An emergency ice cream tub in the freezer at all times, for nights when you’re feeling the #twentysomething blues.
And your one friend doesn’t come through.
7. A favorite book that isn’t Fight Club. Just don’t be the person who talks about Fight Club. It’s literally against the rules.
Nothing by Nicholas Sparks either.
8. And a favorite movie that isn’t The Notebook. Trust me, saying Amélie will make people think you’re smarter.
More like, “If you’re a bore, I’m a bore,” amirite?
9. A well-reasoned attitude toward social media. You’re part of the Facebook generation, OK? The least you can do is THINK ABOUT IT.
10. Romantic prospects of some kind. Even the vaguest hint of them will do. Really, just someone to drunk text.
11. An intimate knowledge of the Harry Potter series. Can you even be a #millennial if you don’t make one HP pun daily? #SiriuslyThough
12. One dish that you can cook without having to look up the recipe. And no, “gin and tonic” is not a dish.
13. The ability to get from one place to another without breaking any laws. #LicenseSwag #NotUnderage
14. At least one ex that you’re still on good terms with, just to prove to yourself that you’re not a psycho.
15. Readymade playlists for all major emotions and activities — i.e., PMSing, pregaming, crying.
16. A passable knowledge of your country’s political goings-on. Passable = just enough to post an inflammatory Facebook status once in a while.
17. A signature dance move to bust out at parties that will say “cool” and “hip” without saying “I’m trying to say cool and hip.”
19. An internet crush, i.e., someone you’re in love with, but only interact with via Instagram.
20. A healthy relationship with your parents, made possible by a familial “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
21. A makeup routine that doesn’t make passersby say “nice costume!” unless you are wearing a costume on purpose.
22. A presentable résumé. “Being able to sing along to every ’90s Disney soundtrack” is not appropriate for your skills section.
23. At least one iconic rap song memorized so you won’t have to awkwardly mumble when it comes on at a bar and all your friends know the words.
Now, usually I don’t do this but, uh… Go ahead and break ‘em off with a little preview of the remix.
24. A healthy body image and legit self-respect. Channel your inner Mindy.
25. The ability to restrain yourself when it comes to junk food, shopping, drunk texting, and Mean Girls references.
Oops, I did it again.