You used to be exactly like me. Except you are better. I used to love the high I would get from being able to blast out my energy like shaking up a can of soda and unleashing it out on the faces of every person I’d meet. Dopamine explosion. But with every explosion, there are some casualties. These casualties are not people, but potential.
Potential for what?
- Potential for meeting someone you have chemistry with.
- Potential for attracting that someone like a man to a woman.
- Potential for gathering good information about each situation.
- Potential for deftly managing that information and leading the interaction into places I wouldn’t have seen before.
- Potential to escalate.
As you know, I used to babysit kids. I know kids. Probably better than most people. I can relate to them, because I remember how I used to be. I remember because it’s still there, behind the years of refinement and maturation to my personality and impulses.
One time I brought a nine year old boy to Brooklyn Boulders, a rock climbing gym near my apartment in Park Slope. I know some things about climbing. I know the beauty behind its subtleties. The fact that getting up a difficult problem takes control—with attention to balance. A shift of your body in the wrong way and you fall. A shift in the right way, and you have potential to get to the next hold. Mix that with the adrenaline I get from the primal fun I get in climbing, and I, as well as thousands of others, find passion in climbing rock walls.
But this nine year old. He got to the rock gym and couldn’t wait to get on the wall. He threw his shoes on, the chalk, and just started climbing as fast as possible. He got up a few holds and fell. He got up and quickly climbed some more. Then he fell again. He loved it. In my head, I knew he would eventually hit a bored point. This is the place where pure adrenaline spike isn’t enough to maintain his newfound passion for climbing. Hitting the same point each time he climbed the wall would get frustrating, and soon his passion would subside. Most people jump to the next instantly gratifying sensation with another hobby. This is what we call dabbling.
Fortunately, this nine year old was taking climbing class once a week. His climbing coaches would be sure to push him over the edge of initial excitement into the techniques and subtle balance. With access to that, the adrenaline returns and the passion continues. The constant refinement of a craft through coaching and applied practice is the path to mastery.
Years ago, I had to be my own coach when it came to social skills. I had to find what actually worked, and what actually did not work, by “guess and check.” For the first couple of years, I would keep hitting the same ceiling because I didn’t have anyone to tell me what I was doing wrong, and how to do the right things correctly. My progress was slow.
Luckily, you get to have a coach to tell you what to stop doing, and what to add in. This would-be eight-year path can be whittled down to one year. Nice.
Your social skills are good. Your body language is good. Your expression is good. Now, it’s about refinement.
You tell me that you enjoy being that high energy person. I know you do. You do the same way that nine year old boy I babysat loved scurrying up the wall with excitement, only to fall back down halfway up. But it’s time to crack the ceiling in your dating life, and start hooking up with cute girls. What you think is the ultimate good feeling while out at the bar, you have yet to experience the amazingness of properly bringing about a full pickup to fruition. Going from meeting a girl and all the way to eventually making her your girlfriend. And knowing what to do at every step of the way. That is full mastery. That is different than the feeling of just projectile vomiting your energy onto a room for two hours, getting a number or two, then going home just as confused and up in the air with your dating life as before.
This is the beauty of this craft. Fall in love with continually finding more subtleties.
This is without removing your natural personality. This is about expressing your own natural real personality in a way that is digestible for others. A way that others can join in on your excitement for life and for fun and improvise with you. A way for women to find attraction in what you are doing instead of thrown into confusion.
Are you familiar with the difference in the effects between coffee and tea? Generally, the caffeine effect in coffee is fast release. You get hit hard quickly, and then come down for hours afterward. The caffeine effect in tea is different. It’s a slow release. You get hit lightly, but the caffeine effect keeps hitting you over the course of a few hours, so you can have a normal amount of attention for a long period, and you don’t feel a crash at the end.
This is the way I’ve refined my social skills. Whereas I used to be a bull in a china shop, spazzing out whenever I had the opportunity to socialize, now my personality is slow release. I still have that silly, weird, eccentric personality, but it is spread lightly throughout my interactions and relationships with people. Now, the people I meet can take me in a way that is digestible for them, and I can still enjoy being my weird self.
My base mood was excitable, but that came off as too wacky for people, and it slowed me down after a short period of time. I couldn’t sustain this excitable personality for long periods, and I would crash into an introvert at the end of my hyperactive high. Once I made the shift into the better expressed Anthony, I realized the old Anthony wasn’t enjoyable for others or for me. It was an outdated version of my personality, retained for too long from my adolescent and child years.
But instead of going from spazzy Aziz Ansari to boring adult (like most people), I learned how to instead keep my old personality, just expressing it in a better way. Compare that to how James Franco acts in the new movie, This Is The End. He is silly, weird, but still knows how to compose himself and remain engaged with the people around him without spazzing out into his own world. I call this vibe Wolf Eyes. It is mine and Franco’s general vibe. Think of this as your foundation for expression. Everything on top is the addition to it. Would you rather be seen as a spazzy guy that is capable of calming down every once in a while, or a normal guy that is capable of getting silly, weird, and eccentric whenever he wants? This is the new Anthony. Your eccentricities are much better received when they see it’s come from a relaxed, normal, relatable guy—not some wacko that can’t control himself and relate to others.
Next, your expression should be based off of your engagement with the other person. Rather than before, where you once sourced expression off of a dopamine explosion, now each person will know that your excitement and fun expression is coming from the unique interaction you two have built up with each other. That is outstanding social skills.
When you feel a random emotional spike coming on, whether it is loud laughter off of something funny the woman said, or cringing at the gruesome story she’s told from her college years, emotional spikes are pieces of that eccentric person that you are, executed at the right times, rather than exploded arbitrarily and without emotional context. Humans need emotional context to be able to relate with you. If you don’t give any reason for your outbursts or weird mannerisms, she’ll think you need shock therapy instead of her phone number.
But how do you base your expression from the other person? That person needs to commit to the interaction just as much as you are. You can do this firstly by Wolf Eyes. This is the strong, un-breaking laser eye contact that you give a female to show her you are giving complete attention towards engaging with her. You are watching everything, her facial emotions, her body language. With Wolf Eyes, you aren’t missing a thing. Second, make personal statements, and then shut up. Statements are the ultimate way to get someone talking. Why? Because when you throw an emotion into the air, and then leave it there, it is difficult not to comment on it.
You: “I feel nervous.”
What’s do you feel compelled to do with that statement? Maybe delve into it’s source, maybe relate with it using your own experience, maybe judging it. But it’s hard for humans to leave emotions alone. They are how we communicate, and they are addictive.
Her: “Why are you nervous?”
The third way to get another person to commit to an interaction is by asking an open-ended question, and then putting on some Wolf Eyes to show your commitment to her answer as well as your discernment for what she says.
You: “How do you think your life would have played out if your teachers didn’t end up teaching you to take on an American accent when you first moved from Cuba?”
Big question. Open-ended. This gives her an opportunity to commit to the interaction. Why? There is her life on the table. I just gave her an opportunity to explain herself. How she feels about her own self. She can’t help but answer something a. I’m fully interested about and b. she has a strong connection with. Questions are great because they are purposeful. You are looking to see about this person. Each answer brings you to another conclusion of the puzzle. Beautiful stuff. This is getting to know someone. This is you expressing your own self. If you two like each other, that is chemistry. Chemistry gives potential for showing your attraction for that person. And then you know what comes after that—an escalation of the relationship.
Learn. Refine. Expand your passion to new levels.