A Definitive Ranking Of The Archie Comic Guys

There's now an Archie TV series in development. It's only right to hop in the ole jalopy, split a milkshake three ways, and take a look at the most eligible men of Riverdale.

11. Moose Mason

Archie Comics

Moose was supposed to be a loveable doofus, but he was actually a scary-jealous boyfriend. He may not have been the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was still a tool.

10. Reggie Mantle

Archie Comics

Did you know Reggie has a little-known, classic comic book backstory? Once a mild-mannered, average teen, he morphed into a radioactive d-bag after falling into a tub of hair gel. Reggie's the guy who taught us what guys to avoid.

9. That Wilkin Boy

Archie Comics

Wasn't allowed in Archie's clique. Wore lots of bell bottoms. I don't even know his first name. Does anyone?

8. Dilton Doiley

Archie Comics

Pretty sure in the Riverdale High yearbook he won "Most Likely to Move to Silicon Valley and Launch a Successful Start-Up and Sell it to Mark Zuckerberg for Billions." Dilton's a catch and don't you forget it.

7. Chic Cooper

Archie Comics

Remember how Betty had a hot older brother who was also a secret agent? No? Good. No one can know.

6. Alex Cabot III

Archie Comics

Josie and the Pussycats' manager was a 16-year-old child but still good at being a manager for a major pop act somehow? Also he sometimes dressed like Austin Powers but like not in a bad way?

5. Archie Andrews

Archie Comics

Cracks the Top 5 but barely. As America's honorary every-teen, Archie sets a horrible example for boys everywhere by pitting Betty and Veronica against each other. Not cool, carrot-top.

4. Alan M.

Archie Comics

DAMN, SON. He's like Riverdale's Johnny Bravo, if Johnny Bravo was the supportive boyfriend of the lead singer of an international cat-themed pop sensation.

3. Kevin Keller

Archie Comics

A more recent addition to the Riverdale gang, Kevin is a straight-A, strong-jawed, all-American, salt of the earth fella. He fought in the military (valiant!) and fought for stricter gun control (preach!) and married his boyfriend Clay Walker (romantic!)!!! Kevin is king.

2. Chuck Clayton

Archie Comics

The best thing about Chuck, besides how he and Nancy seem to have the only healthy, low-drama relationship in their whole town, is that he's a cartoonist within a cartoon. Think about it: he is the most meta. He is the secret Abed of Archie Comics.

1. Jughead Jones

Archie Comics

Jughead is soulmate material. He's the guy who'd have a 12-hour Netflix marathon with you, who'd only go out because he's looking forward to drunk food at the end of the night, who'd let you pick the pepperonis off of his pizza. He's nonchalant, deceptively smart, and wears a quirky beanie. He's a supportive friend and has a majestic dog. He never opens his eyes which I guess makes him mysterious? To put it in Archie Comic terms, Jughead sure is swell.