The Definitive Ranking Of "Harry Potter" Characters By Penis Size

Not everyone can boast 9 and 3/4.

*Please be aware that the measurements we are discussing here pertain to the penises in their erect (i.e. "turgid") state.*

14. Dobby -- 1.3 inches

Warner Bros.

Absolutely tiny little thing, like a raisin. From some distances, barely even visible.

13. Voldemort -- 2.2 inches

Warner Bros.

Some attribute Lord Voldemort's capacity for profound evil to his never having known a mother's love. The majority attribute it to his dinky dong.

12. Harry Potter -- 2.2 inches

Warner Bros.

Harry has a penis precisely the same size as Lord Voldemort's, and, of course, part of Harry's soul lay within Voldemort's penis, and vice versa. Neither could reproduce while the other penis was alive.

11. Mad-Eye Moody -- 2.8 inches

Warner Bros.

Like a piece of spaghetti in the rain. Like an unemployed worm.

10. Ron -- 3.7 inches

Warner Bros.

Ron's member was of course lent an orange hue, because of the forest that surrounded it.

Not tiny, sure, but nothing to send an owl home about.

9. Fred Weasley -- 4.2 inches

Warner Bros.

Yeah, none of the Weasleys were dealt a very strong hand in the dick department, let's be honest. Fred was always a bit bummed that his was a centimetre shorter than George's, but George always reassured his brother with: "What you lack in length, you more than make up for in girth."

8. Draco Malfoy -- 4.8 inches

Warner Bros.

Poor-to-average length, but strangely thin, like a baby snake. Slytherin was right to take him in.

7. Buckbeak -- 6.3 inches

Warner Bros.

Sounds sturdy, but actually, if you're a hippogriff who's bringing less than nine inches to the party, you're sadly not gonna be invited to all that many hippogriff orgies.

6. Argus Filch -- 8.4 inches

Warner Bros.

Those eight inches are wasted on Filch, let's be honest. Never had sex in his life, and strangely proud of it.

5. Dudley Dursley -- 10 inches

Warner Bros.

Big boned, in every sense.

4. Rubeus Hagrid -- 11.2 inches

Warner Bros.

Don't clap too soon. He's a giant, Rubeus Hagrid. It would be alarming to see a schlong of anything less than 10 inches on him, wouldn't it? Imagine that; it would be like a Post-it pinned to a skyscraper.

3. Severus Snape -- 12.6 inches

Warner Bros.

Yep. We're talking about a 12-incher here.

Snape always calls his willy "our new celebrity."

2. Neville Longbottom -- 17.5 inches

Warner Bros.

How do you think Neville knew how to slay Nagini so bravely in the Battle of Hogwarts? He'd had a lot of practice with a big snake of his own. That's how.

1. Albus Dumbledore -- 27.6 inches

Warner Bros.

So big it dragged along the stone floor and collected dust. So big it cast its own shadow. So big it weighed more than most dogs.