I tried to recreate Kobayashi's infamous single-hotdog-eating video (which, if you haven't seen, you may want to watch first) by eating a Hot Pocket in one bite. I failed, but oh it's such a glorious failure.

The Best Links:

1. This Guy Eats A Hot Pocket In Two Bites
2. Kobayashi Eats a Hot Dog In One Bite

1. Gisele

   

   Backstage, you know, going to town on some pizza.

2. 2. Jon Gosselin

   

   Jon here is showing us why the ladies love him.

3. 3. Emma Watson

   

   Emma Watson is both cute and able to eat on the go. Here, she demonstrates her cupcake technique.

4. 4. Blake Lively

   

   Blake's busy snacking between scenes. Think she's going to sit down? SHE AIN'T!

5. 5. Miley Cyrus

   

   Does this look like a promotional image? It is. It's a promotional image for freedom. Deal with it.

6. 6. Shia LaBeouf

   

   Shia LeBeouf WILL eat this banana. And he will manage to look cool doing it.

7. 7. Amy Winehouse

   

   There are actually no pictures of Amy Winehouse sitting down to eat. She eats wherever she damn well pleases, usually while walking and staring ahead like a zombie.

8. 8. Jennifer Garner

   

   Is that a Hot Pocket?

9. 9. Ben Affleck

   

   BURGER.

10. 10. Jessica Alba

    

    She's not eating it yet, but she totally will.

11. 11. Will Smith

    

    Busy man. Has to eat on the go.

12. 12. Kim Kardashian

    

    She's been surprised by ice cream before.

13. 13. Sienna Miller

    

    Sienna Miller doesn't care what you think. She's going to eat on the run.

14. 14. Nicole Ritchie

    

    Corn dog. Apparently.

15. 15. Courtney Love

    

    Pure class.

16. 16. Kelly Clarkson

    

    The hot dog was never seen or heard from again.

17. 17. Pamela Anderson

    

    Pam knows the last bite's always the best.

18. 18. Cynthia Nixon

    

    Cynthia Nixon used to be on "Sex and the City." Now she eats taquitos on the street. She wins.

19. 19. AnnaLynne McCord

    

    AnnaLynne McCord is a B-actress. Here she is eating a banana.

20. 20. AnnaLynne McCord, Pt. 2

    

    She also eats donuts.

1. Milking a Camel

   If God lets the animal give milk, then you should be able to drink it.

2. 2. the Cockroach Diet

   Here is a man who is not hampered by Western Puritanical carnivorous brainwashing. Open your tastebuds, open your hearts.

3. 3. Extreme Rice

   Eating is PRIMAL. It isn't about fancy linens and maître d's; they restrict us from expressing our NEEDS.

4. 4. the Cinnamon Challenge

   We call this pushing boundaries. Asking questions. Never believing in "no." Live by this kid's example.

5. 5. Eating Bricks/Sand/Gravel

   Eat what you love, NO MATTER WHAT.

6. 6. Recycling Urine

   Our bodies, our selves: take your water supply into your own hands. Say "no" to plastic bottles. Keep the circle of life going.

7. 7. Eating Molten Lead

   Overcoming fear is one of the first steps for a freer eating life. This man has no fear.

8. 8. Eating Lemons (and liking them)

   Look, an early recruit! This is a baby whose taste for sour fruits has not yet been repressed by society at large.

9. 9. the Jumbo Burger

   Screw the SuperSize Me guy. Reject portion-control. Eat to live and to love.

1. Joey Chestnut Vs. Hot Dogs

   Joey Chestnut eats 68 hot dogs in Coney Island to beat Kobayashi himself. One of the greatest feats of hot-dog eating ever recorded. Stay fierce, Joey Chestnut. You are a hero to all of us who fight for unconventional eating.

2. 2. Cookie Jarvis Vs. Sweet Corn

   Cookie Jarvis holds the records for grapes, cannoli, ham and potatoes, sour pickles, and ice cream, among other stuff he's eaten the most of. He is also a true American. But what I like best about Cookie Jarvis (apart from the fact that he's named after the original Cookie Crisp mascot - before the burglar!) is that he's not afraid to eat outside the box. Check out his unconventional sweet corn eating technique. Brilliant!

3. 3. Joey Chestnut Vs. French Fries

   You can never have enough Joey Chestnut. Watch him obliterate the French-fry-eating competition at Bikini's in Austin. The music is so inspirational! It makes me want to order an extra large fries and rub them all over my body. Wait, did I say that out loud?

4. 4. The Black Widow Vs. Mince Pies

   Sonya Thomas, The Black Widow, is one of the world's greatest eaters. Among her many records, she has eaten more mince pies in less time than anyone else. Here she goes - 46 mince pies in 10 minutes, and she's dancing the whole time.

5. 5. Crazy Legs Conti Vs. Watermelons

   Crazy Legs' Conti claimed the competitive watermelon eating title in 2008. Crazy Legs is a true master of his art. He is like the Shakespeare of watermelon consumption.

6. 6. Patrick Bertoletti Vs. Jalapenos

   Patrick Bartoletti holds 23 competitive eating records. He is a master of chocolate, waffles, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And even The Black Widow is no match for his ninja-style eating technique, when it comes to Jalapenos. Watch him eat 127 of the things! I bet that stings a bit.

7. 7. Crazy Legs Conti Vs. Birthday Cake

   Crazy Legs Conti is back for the birthday cake challenge. Now this is the way birthday cake should be eaten - with enthusiasm, creativity, and lust for life. The man is an inspiration to us all.

8. 8. Joey Chestnut Vs. A Gallon of Milk

   Joey Chestnut is nothing if not versatile. We've seen him devour hot dogs, French fries, and now an entire gallon of milk. In just 41 seconds!

9. 9. Patrick Bertoletti Vs. Pizzas

   This is a twofer. Watch a chef make 3 whole pizzas in 40 seconds, followed by Patrick Bertoletti taking on 17 slices of pizza in just five minutes!

10. 10. Kobayashi Vs. A GIANT BEAR

    No competitive eating list would be complete without a mention of the legend, Takeru Kobayashi. In 2006, Kobayashi went up against a GIANT BEAR in a hot-dog eating competition. He lost. But wow.

1. 1. Multiple Forks

   

   Oppressive rule: You sit down at a fancy restaurant and are immediately faced with a vast array of forks.

2. Resistance solution: Side-step the utensils. God gave you hands for a reason.

3. 2. Eating Soup With A Spoon

   Oppressive rule: Despite the fact that soup is a liquid, we're forced to ladle in out in painfully small increments, always with the threat of spillage.

4. Resistance solution: Use a straw if it's thin broth; lift the bowl and DRINK DIRECTLY FROM THE BOWL if it's anything hearty.

5. 3. No Elbows On The Table

   

   Oppressive rule: We're meant to forgo comfort so as not to make people uncomfortable by showing off our toned, strong elbows.

6. Resistance solution: Put your elbows where you please. If anyone gives you crap for it, use your elbow again -- to their face.

7. 4. Napkins In The Lap

   

   Oppressive rule: So napkins are meant to protect us from spilt foods, like, uh, soup. But we tuck them into our laps, while tucking them into our collars, where they might actually do some good, is somehow frowned upon. I blame Big Laundry -- this has corporate conspiracy written all over it.

8. Resistance solution: Bib it up, baby. The napkin is there to serve you, not vice versa. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself clean.

9. 5. Being Quiet

   

   Oppressive rule: It's actually natural to make noise when we eat, but oh no, not in this country, mister. SHUT YOUR FOOD UP!

10. Resistance solution: Make extra amounts of noise! Make people cower at the sound of your eating!! Yell with the pure joy of eating the way you want to eat!!!

11. 6. No Playing With Your Food

    

    Oppressive rule: So okay, maybe playing with your food isn't always the best idea. But a little playing? Come on. Food is fun, let us enjoy it.

12. Resistance solution: How on earth are we supposed sit down to a meal equipped with shiny tools perfectly designed for manipulating one's food and NOT use them? You see a spoon -- I see a slingshot. You see a knife -- I see a sculpting tool. Think outside the plate people, and get creative.

13. 7. No Burping

    Oppressive rule: In some countries, burping is a sign you've enjoyed your meal. What do those countries know that we don't? Are they freer there than we are?

14. Resistance solution: In many Eastern cultures it is considered polite to burp at the table. No more will the Western world be sentenced to a silent gasless meal. Make your approval known -- you like it? Belch it.

15. 8. No Talking With Your Mouth Full

    

    Oppressive rule: So you're eating, and you've got something to say? What's the big deal here? You're supposed to make a world leader sit and wait and watch you while you chew?

16. Resistance solution: Who says your mouth is meant to be confined to a single activity at one time. We live in a fast-paced world of multi-tasking -- You have something to say? Don't keep us waiting. No one wants to miss an opportunity because of of a stickybun.

17. 9. Sitting To Eat

    

    Oppressive rule: You know it's not natural for the human body to sit, right? We just weren't designed for it. Moreover, sitting interferes with digestion. So why is it that every single restaurant you will ever go to demands that you sit to eat? With the rare exception of hot dog stands and street meat vendors in our larger cities, standing and eating, laying down and eating -- or, dear god, walking and eating -- are strictly verboten. Why must we hate what is natural?

18. Resistance solution: You exercise because you eat, you eat because you exercise. We have created a vicious cycle with our overwhelming dependence on seated dining. The solution? Get off your buns and eat on the go!

19. 10. No Hands

    

    Oppressive rule: This is possibly the most ridiculous rule of all. Our hands, with their opposable thumbs and incredible dexterity, are a true wonder. And yet we'd rather use crude tools to get at our food. Maybe the "no hands" rule made more sense before modern hygiene, but come on: Let our hands be free to eat!

20. Resistance solution: We are the only species that has devised unnecessary tools for consuming food that we could just as easily grab and eat. Let's take a cue from our simian counterparts and use those opposable thumbs for noshing, it's only natural!

Here is a man who understands our FIGHT!!

1. Greene, NY: It's against the law to eat peanuts and walk backwards down the street while a concert is playing.

   

   That's just not right! Everyone knows that walking backwards whilst listening to music is the BEST POSSIBLE WAY to eat peanuts! Brethren of New York, rise up!!

2. 2. Massachusetts: At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

   

   What, mourners aren't allowed to have a healthy appetite? Grief is hard work; and sometimes the best way to remember someone is with lots of sandwiches. Bob would have wanted it this way.

3. 3. Beech Grove, IN: It is forbidden to eat watermelon in the park.

   

   This is so typical of Big Government, trying to get their hands on your life. Why do the city fathers of Beech Grove hate watermelon picnics so much? WHAT ARE THEY HIDING??

4. 4. Riverside, CA: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o’clock.

   

   So: no lunches outside, then? Why not, Riverside?? Are you afraid of what might happen if people were free to eat their lunches anywhere?!

5. 5. Maryland: It's against the law to eat while swimming in the ocean.

   

   Another oppressive law that must be overthrown. If you live anywhere near Maryland or can afford to travel there, please please go there and swim and eat. We need to end the madness. Also, animals apparently violate this law all the time.

6. 6. Marion, OH: It's a violation to eat a donut while walking backwards.

   

   This guy sez: "How dare you try to tell me how to eat my donut! This is America!!"

7. 7. Carmel, NY: It's illegal to eat ice cream while standing on the sidewalk.

   

   So that's vague. Can I walk and eat ice cream on the sidewalk? What about sitting on the sidewalk with my cone? Running? Laying down? Well, Carmel????

8. 8. Rosemead, CA: Eating ice cream in public with a fork is prohibited.

   

   Nobody does this, of course. But that's not the point. The point is that THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO EAT ICE CREAM WITH A FORK IF THEY WANT TO.

9. 9. California: It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub.

   

   This is beyond stupid -- a totally unenforceable law for a totally safe activity that any consenting adult can engage in. Take to your bathtubs, Californians.

10. 10. Boston: It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.

    

    Again with the peanuts!! Sure, it may be disrespectful to some if you're going to town on a bag o' nuts during Sunday Service, but do you really think God cares? Why else would we have hands, if not to eat wherever we please?