What A Juice Cleanse Is REALLY Like

It’s NOT healthy, and it sure ain’t happy. posted on

1. So! You’re thinking about trying one of those “juice cleanses” everyone’s been chatting about.

A juice cleanse or juice fast, if by some miracle you haven’t been exposed to the concept, is a diet wherein you consume JUICE AND ONLY JUICE for a period of time, usually a few days. Lots of companies offer pre-packaged sets of juices to make it simple for you.

This supposedly helps “detox” your body, encourages weight loss, and packs you so full of fruity nutrients and veggie vitamins that you become a magical being made of light and float away to a place in the sky where you shall never want for anything again.

2. The companies that sell cleanses are great at making you think you’ll feel like this:

3. You’ll just float along for days on a cloud of virtue and weightlessness!

4. You’ll have all of the energy, all of the time!

5. And it will all be delicious and wonderful!

6. But the reality is…a little different.

7. By somewhere around your third juice, you will be SO. TIRED. OF. JUICE.

8. It will actually become painful to drink.

9. You won’t be able to get anything done because you have to pee every 20 minutes.

Didn’t mention that, did they?

10. You’ll be exhausted. Because guess what you’re not allowed to drink?

RIP cawfee.

11. And bored, because guess what else you’re not allowed to drink?

Alcohol, i.e. the only reason any of us have friends.

12. And maybe a little dizzy, too!

A diet that’s all fluid and no salt is not only gross but can also really futz with your electrolyte levels.

13. Not to mention the obvious: It will feel like you’re starving.

Mainly because you ARE.

14. Being constantly confronted by things you can’t have = chronically hangry.

15. You’ll feel like this cat ALL THE TIME.

Banana: so close and yet SO FAR.

16. And the thing you’ll miss more than the food itself is just CHEWING.

On ANYTHING. At ALL.

17. As a result, you’ll be moody as all get-out.

18. Which makes everyone around you uncomfortable.

19. And your endlessly talking about how bad your cleanse is will only make it worse.

20. By day three, desperation will set in.

21. Your starved brain will start playing tricks on you.

22. Your friends will be increasingly concerned.

Rightly so.

23. And the worst part? It’s NOT EVEN WORTH IT.

24. First of all, because juicing is crazy expensive.

U GOT MONEY 2 BURN, BABY?

25. BluePrint charges $65 for ONE day’s worth of juice.

That’s more than $10 per bottle. Guess what you can get for less than $65? Three full, healthy meals.

26. You’re paying a huge markup for someone to squish food for you and put it in a cute bottle.

Which, in theory, you could just do yourself. But don’t even bother! BECAUSE…

27. Consuming food in juice form is NOT healthier than eating normally.

From the Mayo Clinic’s website: “There’s no sound scientific evidence that extracted juices are healthier than the juice you get by eating the fruit or vegetable itself.”

28. In fact, it’s worse.

Because juicing removes almost all the natural fiber in fruits and vegetables, and the fiber is a large part of why they’re healthy.

29. Your body needs a lot more than just sugar and vitamins to function.

Which is why we don’t just survive on these. Juice — EVEN juice made out of kale or whatever — doesn’t contain any of the protein and fiber and fat that are essential to keep your systems running smoothly and prevent crazy sugar-induced energy swings.

30. The idea that juice can “detox” your body is a myth.

Harvard epidemiologist Dr. Frank Sacks, via WebMD: “Your body is designed to remove toxins efficiently with organs such as the kidneys, liver, and colon. You don’t need detox diets, pills, or potions to help your body do its job.”

31. You probably won’t even lose weight.

As with basically any crash diet, weight that comes off during the cleanse is going to be mainly water, and it won’t be gone for long.

32. Surviving on liquid for days means you’ll hit the junk food that much harder afterward.

33. The only sustainable, healthy way to diet is to eat clean, sensible, REAL food.

Think of it like this: Would you expect to get an education by reading one book over and over and over and over and over? No. You would read lots of different books. And maybe you’d still be dumb in the end, but hell, at least you wouldn’t die of boredom halfway through.

34. For the sake of your mental health, if nothing else.

35. Because chances are, someone else pressured you into juicing to begin with.

Apparently that’s a thing.

36. And you’re lying to yourself to get through it.

No. Don’t give in. NEVER FORGET WHO YOU ARE.

37. Did you learn NOTHING from Mean Girls?

38. Don’t ever eat weird things that other people say will magically make you skinny.

39. Let’s face it: If you were following your heart, being true to YOU, a “cleanse” would look like this:

Ain’t nothing wrong with a little Nutella. Everybody eats a little Nutella.

40. So the next time someone asks if you want to juice with them, feel free to respond like so:

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