There Is A Sinister Message Hidden In Britney Spears’s Grocery List

This is not a grocery list. This is a CRY FOR HELP.

When a TMZ photo of Britney Spears’s grocery list made the rounds this week, the public’s reaction was primarily surprise at how unweird—pedestrian, even—her shopping seems to be.

Official transcript: ginger ale, tomatoes, Lunchables, ham, orange juice, 2% milk, Smart popcorn, bread, chicken, something too hard to read.

She Knows put forward this unsatisfactory explanation: “Here’s the difference between Britney Spears and you: You make out a grocery list and even the people who are going to be eating the food on it barely care. Britney Spears’ grocery list, now, everyone wants to see it. Why? Because it’s so shocking. Shockingly normal, that is.

But that is wrong, incorrect, no. The difference between Britney Spears and you is that you are a free human living a free life. Britney is not her own. Britney is the peanut butter trapped inside the Reese’s cup. Britney is the tiny sandwich imprisoned in the Lunchable, and this grocery list is a cry for help, encoded in the only terms she can “accidentally” display to the world without alerting her handlers.

Here’s what it all really means:

CODE: “ginger ale”
TRANSLATION: I’m not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore.

Look, Brit’s allegiance to an established set of beverages is well documented: blended coffee drinks, orange Fanta, Pepsi. She would never choose to drink ginger ale, so why would she put it on her shopping list? It just doesn’t add up.

CODE: “tomatoes”
TRANSLATION: My heart bleeds.

CODE: “Lunchables”
TRANSLATION: My captors have ensured that I lack the skills to live as a functional, independent adult.

There’s no way these are actually for her kids.

CODE: “ham”
TRANSLATION: It’s all an act.

We all know that Britney is a fine, fine actress. Here she reminds us that her whole life is one big performance.

CODE: “orange juice”
TRANSLATION: It’s time for a fresh start.

Britney’s spirit reawakens, and a new day dawns. BE PREPARED.

CODE: “2% milk”
TRANSLATION: With 2% of My heart, I still Love Kevin.

He’ll always be the one that got away.

VM / FameFlynet Pictures

CODE: “Smart popcorn”
TRANSLATION: I’m not as dumb as they think I am.

If Britney were REALLY talking groceries, she wouldn’t have left that deliberate ambiguity with regard to the popcorn brand. She’s definitely sending a signal here.

CODE: “bread”
TRANSLATION: My genes are being harvested for a pop star cloning program.

BREAD = BRED.

CODE: “chicken”
TRANSLATION: I’M AFRAID.

WE HAVE TO HELP HER, YOU GUYS.

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