Too long have the citizenry of this nation stayed silent in the face of an insidious, nefarious power. Too long have we suffered soggy, slimy sandwiches in silence; choked down gelatinous egg salads; stood idly by while innocent fries drown under a flood of pallid, flavorless fat-goo. That’s right, I’m talking about BIG MAYO. And until the rest of the world is talking about it too, I will not rest.
Here’s a little wakeup call for all the mayonnaise apologists out there. I only pray that you may see the error of your ways before it’s too late.
1. Mayonnaise is made out of oil and uncooked* egg yolks. It’s essentially raw, greasy eggs.
Although! For the record! Homemade mayonnaise and/or aioli is far, far superior to the store-bought kind — often palatable, occasionally delicious.
*mass producers of mayo pasteurize the eggs first, which is why mayo is eerily shelf-stable
3. It has ruined countless tuna salads throughout history.
And this is why you should never eat at Subway, son.
4. Mayo destroyed an entire generation of American dinners.
Carve me another slab of corned beef and cabbage mousse, Mom!
5. It makes a huge, slimy mess of every situation.
Go home, mayo, you’re drunk.
6. When people put mayo on fries it’s like they think I won’t notice that it’s just nasty, bleached-out fake ketchup.
You can’t fool me.
7. It constantly has to reassure you that it’s “REAL.”
8. You shouldn’t want to eat anything that comes in this container.
Oh, great, “heavy duty.” Just the way I like it.
9. What a dumb name. Who even knows what “mayonnaise” means?
10. Mayo is an attention-seeking brat, constantly popping up in places where it Should Not Be.
13. Squeeze bottles of mayo are the grossest thing on earth.
They make jars look downright appealing.
14. Look at that squeezed-out mayo. It looks like WORMS.
15. Mayo fuels the most obnoxious kind of gentrification.
This place is two blocks from my apartment. It’s never open except sometimes for like two hours on Saturdays, during which time NO ONE goes in to buy mayo (for obvious reasons), which leads me to believe that it’s some kind of hipster mafia front.
16. And it always tries to monopolize Ryan Gosling.
Step aside, girlfriend.
18. For example, this is the worst thing you can do to another human being.
20. It makes people behave like animals.
23. Seriously, this stuff is Pure Evil.
24. There are tons of other things you can put on a sandwich that are healthier and taste better.
Like, basically ANYTHING that comes in spreadable form is preferable.
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