1. For when forming words with your mouth is too difficult.
Phrase straws. Buy here.
2. For when you’re not getting alcohol poisoning fast enough.
Build-your-own connectible straws. Buy here.
3. For when you feel disconnected from Mother Earth.
(Biodegradable & compostable!) bamboo tiki paper straws. Buy here.
4. For when you’re stricken with Bieber fever.
5. For when you don’t know how to say “I love you.”
Open communication is overrated; sophisticated types say it with heart straws. Buy here.
6. For when you need more color in your life.
Everyone loves a cute artsy striped paper straw. Buy here.
7. For when you can’t figure out how to share a beverage with a good bro.
8. For when you get bored with stupid old regular milk.
Magic milk straws in 9 flavors. Buy here.
9. For when you’re incapable of growing a real mustache.
So much easier! Buy here.
10. For when you’re troubled by the impermanence of it all.
Stainless steel never dies. Buy here.
11. For when you long for your glory days of Lego and K’Nex domination.
12. For when your eyesight starts to go.
Get these “drinking glasses” OR just drink until you go blind; problem solved. Buy here.
13. For when you’re nervous about getting married.
Nothing like a pink plastic martini glass straw to help you get “outta control” and conquer those cold feet. Buy here.
14. For when you can’t bear the idea of more plastic waste in the world.
That’s what glass is for. Just don’t bite down too hard. Buy here.