9 Unforgivable Things You Should Never Do To A Turkey

I shouldn't even be showing you these photos.

1. Stuff it with cupcakes.

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No. No, no, no.

This comes to you from the Cupcake Project.

2. Or with Cheez-Its.

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This is a great disservice to both the turkey and the Cheez-Its.

3. Or with Twinkies.

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Here's how, if you're some kind of monster.

4. Fry it the wrong way.

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BAD NEWS.

5. Brine it in Coolattas and stuff it with Munchkins.

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Arrrr, that be the monster they call The TurDunkin'. No man has tasted her and lived to tell the tale.

6. Turn it into a cake.

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Things that look like desserts but aren't desserts deserve their own special circle of Hell.

7. Microwave it.

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Just don't, just please, please don't.

8. Give it a bikini tan.

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The only possible excuse for this is to provide a girlfriend for the Sexy Chicken.

9. Or lemon boobs.

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There's something wrong with you if you really want to know how to do this.

Okay, so what the hell AM I supposed to do with it?

DO: Buy the right kind of turkey.

DO: Defrost your turkey the right way.

DO: Make it into the Best Turducken Ever.