9 Unforgivable Things You Should Never Do To A Turkey

I shouldn’t even be showing you these photos.

1. Stuff it with cupcakes.

No. No, no, no.

This comes to you from the Cupcake Project.

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2. Or with Cheez-Its.

This is a great disservice to both the turkey and the Cheez-Its.

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3. Or with Twinkies.

Here’s how, if you’re some kind of monster.

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4. Fry it the wrong way.

BAD NEWS.

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5. Brine it in Coolattas and stuff it with Munchkins.

Arrrr, that be the monster they call The TurDunkin’. No man has tasted her and lived to tell the tale.

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6. Turn it into a cake.

Things that look like desserts but aren’t desserts deserve their own special circle of Hell.

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7. Microwave it.

Just don’t, just please, please don’t.

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8. Give it a bikini tan.

The only possible excuse for this is to provide a girlfriend for the Sexy Chicken.

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9. Or lemon boobs.

There’s something wrong with you if you really want to know how to do this.

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Okay, so what the hell AM I supposed to do with it?

DO: Buy the right kind of turkey.

DO: Defrost your turkey the right way.

DO: Make it into the Best Turducken Ever.