1. Look, no one can blame you for swooning.
We’ve all fallen for it. People and claymation cartoon characters in bands are dreamy.
2. LIKE, SUPER DREAMY.
3. Seriously, no one is blaming you.
4. But I promise you, IT IS NOTHING LIKE THIS.
Do you really want to be trapped in Newspaper Land with someone anyway? YOU’LL JUST BE TOSSED AWAY IN THE BIN.
5. Soon you will begin to know why dating a band member WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA.
Pretend “Milk” is the name of the band and it’s too damn hot out. Guess what? IT WAS A BAD CHOICE.
6. Your new SO already has three to five other girlfriends and/or boyfriends.
And they come first, usually.
7. You have to like their music NO MATTER WHAT.
And you won’t get the pleasure of bumping into Tim Riggins.
8. Only when drunk with your friends will you admit your true feelings.
The band’s music is only so-so.
9. Have fun meeting their bandmates for the first time.
Remember what I said about them already having girlfriends and boyfriends? They will only look at you with contempt and trepidation. They think you want to break up the band. THESE PUNCHES ARE FOR YOU.
10. And you will listen to them talk about their music. Endlessly.
11. You never really know what goes on at band practice.
And the excuse, “Sorry babe, I can’t tonight, I have band practice” becomes the bane of your existence.
12. You will have to suffer through watching your honey sell merch.
That is, until you end up being the one manning the merch table at shows.
13. You’re never allowed to “just listen” to music.
Everything’s gotta be some life experience. On vinyl.
14. You’ll be drawn into obscure bands and genres, when really all you want is THIS:
15. OR THIS
And your boyfriend or girlfriend just doesn’t understand.
16. You might end up with a regrettable tattoo.
Especially your relationshi’p.
17. After a breakup, you might have to hear that band on the radio, and you’re just like:
On the very slim to nill chance your significant other’s band actually makes it in some degree, you will hear one chord and be filled with rage, regret, and most likely nausea.
18. ALWAYS LISTEN TO TINA. TINA KNOWS BEST.
“May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.” — Tina Fey in “A Mother’s Prayer for Her Child,” Bossypants.