2. Where possible, sit two seats, rather than one, away from a fellow passenger.
Fill up the train in line with “The Urinal Rule.”
3. Wait at least three minutes before complaining about the tube service/looking at your watch/ pacing the platform.
4. Wear trousers…
…unless it’s No Pants Day (12th January). Then don’t.
5. Always check your Oyster Card balance before getting to the front of this.
6. Never wait for the barriers to close after the previous passenger before slamming down your Oyster Card.
7. Never try to make small talk with a stranger…
….unless you’re having a “The 7.39”esque experience.
8. Make funny faces at cute dogs on the tube, even risk a “who’s a good boy”….
…give the owner a quick polite nod and say nothing.
9. Do not sit in a priority seat if you are perfectly able to stand…
…unless it’s really really quiet.
10. A woman’s standing on the left? Say “excuse me please” in the angriest way possible. If she doesn’t move, say it again, only louder and without the please.
12. Do not talk to a celebrity on the tube, respect their privacy.
Then Tweet a picture of them on the Circle Line. Obviously.
13. Always offer a pregnant woman your seat. If you’re not sure if she’s pregnant, pretend you’ve seen something interesting in the distance and move in a “this seat isn’t necessarily for you but it can be if you’re pregnant” manner.
Not awkward at all.
14. If you are pregnant, wear one of these to avoid awkwardness all round.
16. Do not play your music too loudly. Or talk to your friend too loudly. Or tap your foot too loudly.
Cameron just wants to read his Telegraph in peace, OK?
17. Don’t cut the queue…
…unless you’re James Bond.
19. Offer royalty a seat.
Hold your nose if Charles lets one rip and remain silent.
20. If you’re going to eat smelly food, make sure it’s from Subway because there’s a pun in there somewhere…
…and no one can resist that hypnotising smell.