1. The gang of chachis whose life goal is to find the next piece of hot gossip.
No, aunties, I don’t really want to discuss my sperm count with you.
2. The cousin who couldn’t keep a secret if his/her life depended on it.
“Oh, you didn’t want me to tell your mother that you’ve been smoking weed all day? Oops.”
3. Your kaka who always has booze on his breath, regardless of what time or day it is.
Looks like Uncle Patiala Peg showered with hooch again today.
4. Your younger cousin who does stupid things and invariably gets caught.
5. That one little chubby bumpkin of a brother who always knows how to get the party started.
Adorable now but the whole family prays that he grows up to lose all that weight and become “marriage material.”
6. Your bhua who splits her time equally between fattening you up, and telling you that you need to lose weight.
7. Your fufa who pretends to love the whole family but bitches behind everyone’s back.
Trash-talking my mother in front of me is totally appropriate, uncle ji.
8. Your dadi who is repeatedly shocked and traumatized by your lifestyle.
9. Your sister’s fiancé who acts like a tough guy around your family but is secretly terrified of everyone.
Just a hunch: Peeing in your pants every time you talk to your future in-laws is probably not a good way to gain their respect.
10. Your second cousin’s cousin who runs that shady business no one ever speaks about.
Um, what exactly do you alter?
11. Your tayi who is just never impressed by anything.
Dear aunt grumpmaster senile, I’m genuinely sorry that the world isn’t all peachy and orderly like back when you were growing up… in the 1600s.
12. Your mama who will always question your life choices.
No, uncle, being a freelance writer is not “a disease you catch from Umreekan people.”
13. Your grandmother’s brother who is suspiciously too happy and has no problem with anyone.
Future serial killer or current pot head. We’ll never know which.
14. The cheapskate uncle.
Thanks, uncle. That’s, um, some practical advice.
15. Unrelated auntie who is determined to get you married and pesters you about random girls whom she thinks would be perfect life partners for you.
16. The nani who is always concerned about the family’s reputation and what people will say.
17. The competitive aunties.
“Oh, your son just got into Harvard? Well, mine is being pursued by Harvard, Oxford, Princeton, IIM, Yale and Cambridge, all of whom are lining up to give sexual favors to get him to accept, all while he’s busy running his successful drug trade and offshore banking empire, and swatting off the most beautiful and richest female suitors, as he finishes his fifth bestselling young adult novel about a handsome and powerful Indian boy gifted with superpowers and who is eternally devoted to his ever-so-caring and amazing mother!”
18. The cousin who borrows everything but never returns any of it.
You don’t remember borrowing my iPod and Playstation three months ago? Ok, then.
19. Your mami’s family who pretends they have no problems and live in perfect harmony.
I would love to be a fly on the wall in their house!
20. The NRI chacha and chachi who have lived in Dubai for approximately 5 minutes and miraculously developed an American accent.
21. Your nana who will seize any opportunity to dismiss your problems and launch into a sermon about how easy your life is.
“In my day, we had to walk fifty kilometers to school every day. Barefoot. Through a forest. Fighting off hyenas. Going uphill. Both ways.”
22. The auntie who is convinced that you’re defective.
Aww shucks, auntie, you didn’t have to give me this home-made potion to cure the fertility problems you assume I have.
23. The one white person who married into your family and still isn’t trusted because your relatives think he’s plotting a colonial invasion.
Your British friends would love to visit India? Where have we heard that before!
24. Your bhua’s annoying son who insists on asking the most invasive, awkward questions in the most public ways.
At gun point if you were forced to STFU would you be able to?