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Posted on Sep 8, 2013

The 11 Best Kermodian Rants Of All Time

Mark Kermode is the UK's best-known film critic. He gives his frank and honest appraisal of the new releases on Radio 5 Live's "flagship" Kermode and Mayo programme. These are the films that got the Good Dr so mad, the reviews are more entertaining than the the movies themselves. And a big hello to Jason Isaacs.

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Vince Vaughan and Kevin James on their own would be enough to make most critics wither, but together?
Key quote:"Vince Vaughan appears to be doing a really bad impression of Vince Vaughan." — Vince Vaughan and Kevin James on their own would be enough to make most critics wither, but together?
Key quote:"Vince Vaughan appears to be doing a really bad impression of Vince Vaughan."

Vince Vaughan and Kevin James on their own would be enough to make most critics wither, but together?
Key quote:"Vince Vaughan appears to be doing a really bad impression of Vince Vaughan."

Christian Bale famously lost it on the set of this film; Kermode similarly lost patience with the finished product.
Key line: "I guarantee Christian Bale knows it's rubbish and that he's rubbish in it. I can see that look of absolute panic of someone who knows they're doing something they shouldn't be." — Christian Bale famously lost it on the set of this film; Kermode similarly lost patience with the finished product.
Key line: "I guarantee Christian Bale knows it's rubbish and that he's rubbish in it. I can see that look of absolute panic of someone who knows they're doing something they shouldn't be."

Christian Bale famously lost it on the set of this film; Kermode similarly lost patience with the finished product.
Key line: "I guarantee Christian Bale knows it's rubbish and that he's rubbish in it. I can see that look of absolute panic of someone who knows they're doing something they shouldn't be."

Pointless films stuffed with celebrities is an emergent genre. Good job it gets both barrels from the good Dr.
key quote: "It's like getting a greeting card full of vomit." — Pointless films stuffed with celebrities is an emergent genre. Good job it gets both barrels from the good Dr.
key quote: "It's like getting a greeting card full of vomit."

Pointless films stuffed with celebrities is an emergent genre. Good job it gets both barrels from the good Dr.
key quote: "It's like getting a greeting card full of vomit."

Kermode is a horror aficionado, even a learned academic on the subject. But he has no time for this franchise.
Key line: "It's like wanting to vomit and wanting it all to be over." — Kermode is a horror aficionado, even a learned academic on the subject. But he has no time for this franchise.
Key line: "It's like wanting to vomit and wanting it all to be over."

Kermode is a horror aficionado, even a learned academic on the subject. But he has no time for this franchise.
Key line: "It's like wanting to vomit and wanting it all to be over."

You can probably guess what Mark thought of Keith Lemon: The Movie. You were right.
Key line: "This is worse than Ali G: The Movie and that's saying something." — You can probably guess what Mark thought of Keith Lemon: The Movie. You were right.
Key line: "This is worse than Ali G: The Movie and that's saying something."

You can probably guess what Mark thought of Keith Lemon: The Movie. You were right.
Key line: "This is worse than Ali G: The Movie and that's saying something."

Sequels to films Kermode didn't like in the first place have a special place in the Kermodian canon. The florid language used to denounce this one is stands out.
Key line: "This is a movie that thinks the height of funny is a monkey biting someone's willy." — Sequels to films Kermode didn't like in the first place have a special place in the Kermodian canon. The florid language used to denounce this one is stands out.
Key line: "This is a movie that thinks the height of funny is a monkey biting someone's willy."

Sequels to films Kermode didn't like in the first place have a special place in the Kermodian canon. The florid language used to denounce this one is stands out.
Key line: "This is a movie that thinks the height of funny is a monkey biting someone's willy."

Michael Bay looms large in the Wittertainment universe. This is Kermode's most apoplectic take on the Transformer series.
Key line: "In two years' time when the whole thing has gone down, when the ship has sunk, society has been reduced to a crying, weeping, wailing child, from this horrible vulgarisation of what is essentially a children's toy, I want a letter saying 'I'm sorry, you were right." — Michael Bay looms large in the Wittertainment universe. This is Kermode's most apoplectic take on the Transformer series.
Key line: "In two years' time when the whole thing has gone down, when the ship has sunk, society has been reduced to a crying, weeping, wailing child, from this horrible vulgarisation of what is essentially a children's toy, I want a letter saying 'I'm sorry, you were right."

Michael Bay looms large in the Wittertainment universe. This is Kermode's most apoplectic take on the Transformer series.
Key line: "In two years' time when the whole thing has gone down, when the ship has sunk, society has been reduced to a crying, weeping, wailing child, from this horrible vulgarisation of what is essentially a children's toy, I want a letter saying 'I'm sorry, you were right."

"Orlando Bland" and co can't impress the good Dr with this swashbuckling turkey.

"Orlando Bland" and co can't impress the good Dr with this swashbuckling turkey.

Kermode has a strong feminist streak and can't stand films that objectify women. No surprise this one didn't go down well then.
Key line: "Apart from everything else that's wrong with it, it is the most boring boring, ploddingly put together, infantile, crass, stupd, chauvanistic twaddle I've sat through in a very long time." — Kermode has a strong feminist streak and can't stand films that objectify women. No surprise this one didn't go down well then.
Key line: "Apart from everything else that's wrong with it, it is the most boring boring, ploddingly put together, infantile, crass, stupd, chauvanistic twaddle I've sat through in a very long time."

Kermode has a strong feminist streak and can't stand films that objectify women. No surprise this one didn't go down well then.
Key line: "Apart from everything else that's wrong with it, it is the most boring boring, ploddingly put together, infantile, crass, stupd, chauvanistic twaddle I've sat through in a very long time."

It's that Michael Bay again, with this 2013 feature...
Key line: "So Michael Bay makes his little art-house film to show us into his soul and we find ourselves looking into a void-like abyss of blackness, the depth and enormity of which is impossible to comprehend." — It's that Michael Bay again, with this 2013 feature...
Key line: "So Michael Bay makes his little art-house film to show us into his soul and we find ourselves looking into a void-like abyss of blackness, the depth and enormity of which is impossible to comprehend."

It's that Michael Bay again, with this 2013 feature...
Key line: "So Michael Bay makes his little art-house film to show us into his soul and we find ourselves looking into a void-like abyss of blackness, the depth and enormity of which is impossible to comprehend."

He wasn't very keen on the original, but the sequel to Sex and the City gave cause for what is, for many, the quintessential Kermodian rant.
Key line: "It is consumerist pornography. It is an orgy of dripping wealth that made me want to be sick." — He wasn't very keen on the original, but the sequel to Sex and the City gave cause for what is, for many, the quintessential Kermodian rant.
Key line: "It is consumerist pornography. It is an orgy of dripping wealth that made me want to be sick."

He wasn't very keen on the original, but the sequel to Sex and the City gave cause for what is, for many, the quintessential Kermodian rant.
Key line: "It is consumerist pornography. It is an orgy of dripping wealth that made me want to be sick."

Kermode and Mayo are on every Friday on BBC 5 Live.

Just make sure you observe the Code of Conduct.

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