1. When he expressed his confusion about Spice Girls lyrics:
Every day I live in fear that a woman will come up to me and "really really really wanna zig-a-zig-ah" and I'll have no idea what to do.
2. When he taught the world how not to pick up a lady at Whole Foods:
Girl, you're like a Goji berry to me. Short, sweet and I can't wait to spend way too much money on you. #BadPickUpLines
3. When he wanted some questions answered by Clark Kent's optician:
What was Clark Kent's prescription and did Superman wear contacts?
4. When ellipses defined his relationships:
I feel like I spend more time with those three dots telling me you are texting than I do with you.
5. When he urged coffee drinkers to be more self-reflective:
If the best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup, you need to really sit down and figure out your life.
6. When he reminded us that the Hamburgler is badass af:
The baddest motherf'er I've ever seen is the Hamburglar. That dude wears his prison clothes IN PUBLIC, just daring the police to arrest him.
7. When he just wanted to live like T.J. Detweiler:
How much fun would it be to live your life like a cartoon character and never change outfits.
8. When he made this accurate comparison:
The feeling when I drive up to In N Out burger 5 minutes before they close is what I assume hitting a last second shot in the NBA feels like
9. When he spoke for those that couldn't:
"They take photos of me and act like we're friends but where are they the other 359 days of the year?"- The Coachella Ferris Wheel
10. When he gave Van Gogh more credit than Kim K:
Van Gogh was the original selfie king.
11. When he asked this poignant question:
What if we are all just one big Banksy piece?
12. When he equated having a six pack with wearing Versace:
I assume having a great body feels like you are wearing really cool clothes everyday.
13. When he turned down only to turn up:
Getting ready for bed usually gets me so pumped up I can't fall asleep.
14. When he gave a shout out to the O.G. Valencia:
Dimming the lights was the original Instagram filter.
15. When he revealed the most difficult problem in dating:
The hardest part about meeting a new woman is figuring out if she's born with it or if it's Maybelline.
16. When he noted this sad truth about our understanding of history:
Wonder if the pilgrims would be happy to know we remember them for the food they ate and the belts on their hats.
17. When he burned Optimus Prime:
"I wish you could transform into someone who cares about his kids." - Optimus Prime's wife
18. When he did not get along with French plumbing fixtures:
I'm 33 years old and I have no idea how a bidet works. Every time I try, I feel like I'm on a prank show.
19. When he updated his relationship status with food:
I don't know when but there was a moment in my life when food changed from friend to lover.
20. When he thought of the perfect tagline for Pirates of the Caribbean:
"On my way to steal yo pearl." - Jack Sparrow
21. When he got his team uniform:
Congratulations, you are officially a writer. Here's your flannel shirt and New Balance sneakers.
22. When he noted how strange our current situation was with #fitspo and #pizza:
What a weird time to be alive when the two most popular things to post about are working out and pizza.
23. When he posed this question about cinema's most popular archers:
What if Katniss and Hawkeye were just aggressive cupids?
24. When he expressed empathy for DK:
What if I told you Donkey Kong was throwing barrels filled with money for charities at Mario. Would you think he was such a bad guy then?
25. When he felt persecuted by contemporary slang:
The phrase "Make that cheddar!" feels like such a slap in the face when you are lactose intolerant.
Thank you for existing, Ben Schwartz.
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