The Winter Runner’s Steeplechase As Told By Twin Peaks

It’s a real hoot!

Since ice-covered snow has seemingly become a permanent fixture of our environment, gravel and wooded paths have essentially become unusable for running. (I know some runners may argue, but I just picture all of you like this.) Therefore, one remaining option is paved trails that can be plowed; but, those are few and far between. Ultimately, the last resort is the roads and their adjoining sidewalks. However, homeowners and plow drivers have unwittingly transformed ordinary runs into extreme steeplechases. And, the act of running through these “steeplechases” inevitably leads to my repetitious chanting…

The run begins, as average non-winter runs do, on a cleared sidewalk. But, after a generous 15 feet, the first obstruction lies before you…

THE WHITE LODGE OF SNOW

The only options are: to climb over it and risk falling through or venturing into the streets without being sideswiped by drivers who think you’re only 12 mm wide.

Don’t rest on your laurels for long because next is…

THE BOB AND WEAVE

You don’t chose your path; your path is chosen for you.

Then, BAM! You’re hit with…

THE DON’T WEAR YOUR NEW SHOES

Only the strong-thighed will survive.

Before you can stomp the snow from your sneakers…

THE SUDDEN COLOR CHANGE

“Honey, I cleared the sidewalk…of its boring hue!”

The reactionary laughter caused by the last obstacle is quickly wiped away by…

THE DOUBLE R MINER

Dig out these trapped traffic cones if you ever want to watch your pirated episodes of Game of Thrones!

Before your hands and arms can recover from the frigid cold of the abrasive snow, you reach the dreaded…

J’AI UNE AME SOLITAIRE (I AM A LONELY SOUL)

Glacial water to your left. Fast moving vehicles to your right. Slippery ice-covered snow ahead of you. No danger here.

The feeling as though you’re George Washington having just crossed the Delaware does not last long as you reach…

THE DOPPELGANGER PATH

Who knows what sick, perverted reasoning called for the sidewalk to remain snow-covered, while the adjacent, sloped grass area was half-assedly cleared instead!

Following that strange exploit…

M.I.K.E. (MASSIVE ICE KURVE EVENT)

While this rural road may have less traffic, its barely plowed surface has become a solid sheet of slippery ice…that sharply curves…at its narrowest point.

It may be difficult to keep yourself from dangerously sliding into…

THE RED ROAD(HOUSE) TO THE GIANT WALL OF SNOW

The red brick path may make you say “Aww, neat!” at first, but by its end you’re screaming expletives.

Your ear-piercing tirade is then cut short by…

THE GREAT NORTHERN

Not only has the sidewalk not been cleared at all, but the homeowner has added a real rustic touch with the fallen tree limb added as a hurdle.

After you have tackled this final obstacle, you reach…

THE WINDOM’S CIRCLE!!

At the conclusion of this steeplechase, you will find dancing, a slice of warm cherry pie, and a damn fine cup of coffee.

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