Given our culture’s treatment of cheese on food as the norm—at summer cookouts, I need to take the cook aside and whisper to him or her my wish to have a plain burger lest I go hungry—I know this essay will not have a great success rate in terms of persuasion. However, I need to try to create a world more accepting of those of us who, when ordering chicken parmesan, ask for just a chicky chicky.
1. Its story of discovery is just plain awful
The generally accepted account of how cheese was first discovered begins with prehistoric individuals using the stomach of an animal as a vessel in which to store milk. And from there, it gets samso worse. Rennet, an enzyme found in the stomachs of mammals (even those that have been repurposed), separated the reserved milk into curds (solid) and whey (liquid). (Side note: Miss Muffet was no arachnophobe; she ran because that spider told her what that stuff in her bowl really was.) Those lovely curd chunks are basically cheese. That narrative completely pales in comparison to the true tales of other accidental inventions. For example, an adorable (?) child invented popsicles by accidentally leaving his soda mixture and stirring stick outside for the duration of a cold night. And, an adorable innkeeper unwittingly created chocolate chip cookies by substituting semi-sweet chocolate chunks for the traditional baking chocolate. And, even though those chocolate chunks didn’t melt to create a wholly chocolate cookie as she had hoped, that woman’s Toll House Inn did pretty well after that.
2. No need to slaughter young calves once global apocalypse commences
Cheese production today is aided by the derivation of microbial rennet rather than the pre-industrial method which employed naturally-occurring rennet in animals. Historically, rennet was extracted from the inner mucosa of the fourth stomach of slaughtered calves. So, when a global apocalyptic event occurs a la The Walking Dead, you better hope that your designated cheese-producer isn’t the Andrea of the group who, acting out of fear of being left prov-alone, falls for, and eventually victim to, the Governor, AKA the hairstylist to the walkers.
3. Hosting a BYOC Party is just a Pintrest fail waiting to curdle
Apparently, there exist stalwart nonconformists who are bravely distributing Renaissance-type literature such as this on how to save college students from their current plight. However, college students, while notoriously into squalid parties, alcohol, and other forms of gluttony, are also practitioners of that other deadly sin known as sloth. So we all know that the elegant baked brie described becomes just a Pillsbury crescent roll sheet with a bag of whatever shredded type of cheese the exploited-cook of a roommate had purchased, Welch’s grape jelly, and pilfered dining hall nuts.
4. Cheese-centered mascots are unseemly as hell to not just children and coulrophobic adults but all people everywhere
Everyone knows that when Chuck E. Cheese’s is closed those animatronic muensters come to life and unleash their wild sides. Inspired by Beverly Hills Cop III, Chuck E. Cheese and his SAMCRO-like gang regularly utilize the restaurant chain’s token manufacturing machinery to produce counterfeit quarters. Their criminal enterprise became so successful that they enlisted Mayor McCheese to play the Nero Padilla role in their porn film production company. Also, Chester Cheetah has been kicked out of his own factory on several occasions for manufacturing Cheetos in obscene shapes. And, that Cheesasaurus Rex became so addicted to eating his brand of macaroni & cheese that he regressed to simply snorting the cheese powder itself.
5. It is no more menacing than the vices of drugs, sex, and alcohol
Macaroni & cheese (well, technically just those pouches of cheese powder) can destroy families just as much as alcohol. Additionally, I imagine that a heist in the same vein as The Fast & The Furious was employed by these two guys who absconded with 20 tons of cheese. (For those readers currently taking chemistry and/or physics, please convert that amount to its SI unit of fondues.) Further, after imbibing liquid courage, cheese is apparently the penultimate liquid bounty. So, parents please gorg-END-zola your children’s affinity for cheese now before it’s too late.
6. It can make some people go to extremes
While there is nothing wrong with having a favorite food and embracing your love for that food (take my own BuzzFeed username for example), some individuals morph into edamaniacs when it comes to expressing their love for cheese. Naming your child Cheese, for instance, is such a cruel thing to do to him or her with nicknames such as Cheez Whiz and Cheese Puff just dying to be used. Another individual felt it was necessary to improve on the most flawed dessert of ice cream by removing the rich decadence of moose tracks and the cool sweetness of mint cookies ‘n’ cream and replacing it with the flaccidity of refrigerated noodles and the rubbery agedness of deli cheese. And, what person wouldn’t want to wear clothes made of an aged dairy product that would melt and ooze down your leg in warm weather and even indoors.
I know some individuals will argue that all of the accompanying photos of cheese dishes, which in me trigger a reflexive Draco Malfoy-esque sneer if not the above gag reflex, appear absolutely delicious!! Well, eff all of you. That last one depicts cheese balls…for dogs. It’s the oldest trick in the book, and you all know you fell for it like a newscaster stomping grapes (something else that never gets old).