9 Steps To Make Your Garden Lawn Like Wembley

I mean who wouldn't want your garden to look like Wembley?

Plush green grass, the echoes of history reverberating about the place, the palpable sense of the presence of legends and icons from years gone by.

Anyway, that's enough about White Hart Lane. Wembley is alright as stadiums go; it's big, has plenty of toilets (and what self-respecting enormo-dome doesn't use that as a yardstick of greatness?) and exists purely to validate people like Bon Jovi and Meatloaf. Oh, and some chaps run around it to the general disappointment of the watching, frothing oafs in attendance every now and then.

But if there is one thing Wembley does have (and there is only one thing Wembley does have) it is a ruddy lovely patch of grass slap bang in the middle of it. What else could you possibly spend £750 million on?

If, for some strange reason, you feel obliged to ruin your perfectly adequate lawn in order to replicate said patch of grass then these steps will send you scampering in the right direction.

Lay Down Some Grass

Young House Love / Via younghouselove.com

This is crucial. Go to the place where your garden once was, draw the curtains so the so you won’t be distracted by the missus crying at the demolition of her lawn, then put the grass down. And I mean really put it down. Lay it like nobody is watching.

In an ideal world, you want the type of grass that will stand up to the vigours of preening divas rolling around on it, and withstand John Terry’s adulterous sweat without wilting. Ask your local garden centre expert, they’ll know what you mean.

Sit Back & Relax

Grass doesn't grow to your schedule ok? It won't sprout up just because you've got a BBQ coming up and you want to impress Joan and Simon from up the road because Simon has just got one of those fancy gas-powered BBQ's that has a separate section for spatchcocked chickens and an in-built cooling rack and hasn't stopped talking about for like six months. So just forget it. Stop being so self-involved. And tell Simon no one cares.

Call In An Expert

Via classicfm.com

So what the grass didn’t grow properly? You never did claim to be Alan Titchmarsh, did you?*

A handy tip here is that if you did claim to be any one of the Ground Force gang, blame the weather. Bloody climate change, you’ll say. She’ll roll her eyes, but you’ll both know who was right.

That chap in the khaki trousers and embroidered t-shirt will sort it out just fine. In exchange for money.

Look At Your Resplendent Lawn

Via southport.gb.com

This, all you cynics and trolls, isn’t just a way to use up another step because you’ve misjudged how many steps you can eek out of being sarcastic about grass. So don’t bother even thinking about it.

Really look at that big green bastard. Scope out some of the different angles. Do that thing where you hoick up your trousers a bit, squat down and rub your chin a bit.

Look into the distance and sigh knowingly. Then, and only then, will you appreciate your new lawn.

And you know what? It will appreciate you. Not with words or with presents. But by providing a space for you to ban people from stepping on, and shout at them if they do. After all, what’s a good lawn for? (Seriously, I’ve no idea, what a good lawn is for?).

Get The Right Look

Via thesun.co.uk

The good thing about football pitches is that they’re always mowed into such pretty patterns. Some have concentric circles, others go for a chequerboard effect. A quick search of the ol’ Google shows that Wembley has the squares.

We recommend just riffing it and seeing what happens, but if you’re a stickler for the rules then mow strips in one direction then horizontally in the other direction. For an authentic effect use a sit-on mower, regardless of the size of your new pitch.

Paint The Lines

Via theguardian.com

It’s quite an evocative image; the old geezer with his little paint roller laying out the markings of the pitch. Just think, some tatty old overalls and a hint regret in your that you’ve wasted your life painting pitches and that could be you!

Get all the gear from your local pitch-painting stockist, and pop it on. Bob’s your uncle.

Have Another Look

You know that look you had earlier. Yeah…that wasn't enough. Do it again, but with a bit more sincerity, safe in the knowledge people will one day write about what you have achieved.

Get The Wembley Vibe

Via imgur.com

You’ll want to ensconce that real sense of disappointment that comes with the hallowed turf of Wembley whenever England play so either invite some local kids round for a puppys, fireworks and chocolate party on your new lawn before refusing them entry on the day, or invite a news crew round, telling them that a vision of Christ has appeared in the grass before showing them a crudely drawn picture of old JC that you placed there earlier. That should sour the atmosphere sufficiently.

One Last Step…

Via grassform.co.uk

It’s over! You’ve done it! You’ve achieved the Wembley look! Just think, rugby league thugs from oop north can trample your precious turf if you so wish! For the final flourish, and this is only optional, you can allow sub-contractors to syphon off millions of your budget, then engage in a lengthy and costly legal battle trying to claw a small percentage back, much like the real Wembley.

If you’re serious about it, and let’s face it, if you’ve got this far into this article, then you’re either deadly serious about it or have quite literally nothing else better do to, then you really should go through with this step.