1. Your first job out of high school was at Consolidated Cardboard.
You still live in fear of being fired, rehired, and then fired again by Old Man Dalrymple.
2. You’ve fallen asleep in the middle of at least one phone call after doing too much Blue.
Much, much worse things happened when you were on Emerald Nightmare.
3. You bought all your favorite albums by Sister Sheila, Mother 13, S. Hitface, Old Skull, and Norse Savage at CD Submarine.
It’s also where you traded in your unwanted records by Kenny Dupree, Darren Robbins and the Rockstars, MickNickPickMickNick, and Pout.
4. You can’t watch Happy Days because they never show Funzie stealin’ nothin’.
He don’t make no one wear a car either!
5. You always get misty-eyed when you remember the late Kevin Allin.
It seems like it was just yesterday that he passed on…
6. You voted for Philly Boy Roy Ziegler in the 2008 mayubernatorial election.
But you’re sad that he never brought the “Running of the Cheesesteaks” to Newbridge.
7. You fondly remember when Brendan Fraser aged himself up with Oldzonareveren for his role in President Baseball.
And when he de-aged himself later with Youngoproxin.
8. The Jock Squad goons at Radio Hut have smashed up at least one of your electronic devices.
But you still cherish your vintage POT80 Porta-Ghetto boombox.
9. You’ve been punched out by Hammerhead at a local hardcore show.
NO WEAK PITS
10. You refuse to watch Survivor after what they did to poor Reggie Monroe.
What’s so wrong with a little pant rummage?
11. You’ve paid rent to stay at Bryce Prefontaine’s lean-to in the woods behind the Footlocker Grey at Newbridge Commons.
12. You have memorized every line of “Rock & Roll Dreams’ll Come Through” by The Gas Station Dogs.
13. Trent L. Strauss is your favorite filmmaker.
But it’s really hard to decide whether your favorite movie is The Tool Belt Killer, Face Peelers 4, or You’re Soaking In Her.
14. You or someone you know has hooked up with Sheila Larson at some point.
Yeah…we’re talking about mouth fun. WHAT?
15. You know the difference between a chain fight and a slap fight…
16. …and a belt whip and a laser whip.
17. You’re used to pretty much every building in town being infested with mice wearing capes.
18. Lemon and rye are your favorite flavors of batter-butled fare at The Batter Butler.
19. You consider this book by Ronald Thomas Clontle to be the ultimate argument settler.
20. You have an extensive collection of Shouterday Night Live episodes on VHS tape.
You always tear up when they do the “silver bye-bye.”
21. You were scandalized when you heard about what Judge Davies was doing under his robe.
But it definitely explained all the thudding and whirring in his courtroom.
22. You’re still pissed off that Rambocky didn’t win the Academy Award for Best Picture.
23. You bought your last three cars at Gene Simmons Toyota.
It’s everyone’s dream and fontasy.
24. You are forever scarred by – yet totally obsessed with – the things you saw in The Magazine.
25. You didn’t believe Timmy Von Trimble was real until you held him in the palm of your hand.
26. You don’t mind risking a bit of heart stoppage by devouring an entire Chocolageddon from Dessert Town.
You’ve lost a lot of weight from all that NegaCal. And the worms, of course.
27. Your house is stocked with Hippy Johnny soap, toothpaste, and motor oil.
28. You still can’t believe Archie got the electric chair in the series finale of Archie Bunker’s Place.
29. You live in constant fear of getting stomped, barged, whipped, or exsanguinated.
And what if someone with flagrant night prowls comes along and makes your place look like a carwash?