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18 Things You Might Not Know About Dave Coulier

Assuming that every lyric on Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill is about him, and totally true.

1. Dave has received oral sex in a theater.

ABC

2. Dave will deny you the cross that you bear, that he gave to you.

ABC

3. Dave’s love is thick and will swallow you whole.

ABC

4. Dave keeps the front door of his house unlocked when he’s not at home.

ABC

5. If you enter Dave’s bedroom, you can totally smell him. You can smell his residual Coulier essence!

ABC

6. Dave owns at least one Joni Mitchell CD.

ABC

7. Dave’s shower is big enough to dance in.

ABC

8. Dave likes to keep incense around the house.

9. Dave is sometimes known as “Mr. Duplicity.”

ABC

10. Dave likes snow, but only when it’s warm outside.

EMI

11. If you wear your sweater backwards and inside-out, Dave will be like “how appropriate.”

NBC

12. Sometimes, when Dave is apprehensive, he gets naked and trembles with his head in his hands.

13. Dave is a very good listener.

ABC

14. Dave is petrified of silence.

Warner Bros.

15. Dave is the bearer of unconditional things. (Whatever that means.)

ABC

16. Dave, at some point, saw Alanis Morissette as a “sweet back-loaded puppet” because he has “meal ticket taste.”

ABC

17. Dave once took a long hard look at Alanis’ ass before playing golf for a while.

Warner Bros.

18. Dave once took Alanis out to wine, dine, and 69 her, but didn’t listen to a damn word she said.

 

(None of this is true, by the way. Probably.)

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