Yes, we said it. Children are the ultimate commitment, so who is to say that we shouldn’t be allowed to try these things on before we have to keep them. We know, we know. The laws of genetics make this pretty impossible, but imagine all of the STRESS it would save us? If Costco allows us to try a few meatballs before we purchase a case of one thousand, we should at least get to play around with these kids before they’re sleeping on bunkbeds in our house.
Peruse the real estate listings all you want. There is no walk thru that can safely predict the presence of ghosts and spirits inside your newly-bought house. Look how House on Haunted Hill turned out? If you’re smart, you’ll ask for a trial sleepover and when the Agent looks at you all funny, just turn to him slowly and whisper “Cassssssssper” into his ear. That ghost is definitely not as “friendly” as they say.
3. College Degree
This one’s obvious: Don’t Be An English Major.
Just kidding! Well, don’t be an English Major. But also, you shouldn’t have to be an ANYTHING major if you don’t want to be. Not at least until you can try that stuff out. This is a major life purchase—and who knows what (after four years of studying) that degree will get you in the real world.
They’re often free, and in that case: GO CRAZY. But when condiments get fancy and start costing actual currency, there’s no way we’re buying without trying. That fancy ketchup is NOT red and honestly looks pretty disgusting, no matter how many times you claim it has special cayenne in it to “spice things up at bit.” We’ll dip our finger right in there, thank you.
5. Next Door Neighbors
Along with a haunted house, you might also stumble upon a “haunted” neighbor after purchasing your dream abode. And by “haunted” we mean insane. And by insane we mean peeking over your fence and giving you unwanted advice. Don’t tell us Home Improvement was “just a TV show.” Wilson was a total creep.
6. Your Given Name
If we’re gunning for Presidential office, there’s no way the name our parents gave us is going to work. We’ll go by “Baby A” until we’re 18 and capable of properly defining ourselves—no matter how bad the bullying gets.
This is a big one. If you’re expected to use your precious vacations days to commit to a spot on the globe where “relaxation” is supposed to happen, how are you supposed to know where the next volcano will erupt? Or where a tsunami will appear? Flash floods? Godzilla monsters? Travel insurance isn’t enough assurance that you’ll get the vacation you so desperately deserve.
A job interview is where your boss tests you out, but we think that you should also get a chance to test him (or her) out, as well. After all, just like your given name (see #6) you’ll be stuck with this one for who knows how long.
You’re telling us that the most important piece of clothing that we have on our body at any given time is something we can’t actually test before we purchase??!!!You’ve GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.