DIY

What Your Tattoo Says About You

Tat Chat begins now.

Patriotic Tattoo
“You actively drink Natty Light.”
“You were in a frat.”
“You love Jesus and America equally, but would only fight for one.”
“You actively pursue freedom via alcoholic beverage and/or restricting the freedom of others.”
“You can’t even name all 50 states.”
“You got a discount on a tattoo on the 4th of July.”
“The majority of your T-shirts come from gym openings.”

Tiny Heart Tattoo
“This person really wanted a mole but God didn’t give them one so they took matters into their own hands.”
“Really loved The Lake House.”
“Chronic The Loft shopper.”
“Someone who identifies as ‘super outgoing but actually really shy and introverted’ like that Thought Catalog post.”
“Someone who believes that life is a Nicholas Sparks book waiting to happen.”
“Might have an imaginary significant other that they journal about.”
“So much journaling.”

Floral Tattoo
“Nice flowers are really classy and timeless but shitty ones are SO TRASHY.”
“A rose tattoo, I just picture Bret Michaels and like, I don’t even know if he has one.”
Bachelorette contestants have rose tattoos.”
“Sunflowers, roses, and daisies = basic as fuck.”
“I feel like floral tattoos are saying, ‘I couldn’t think of what to get as a tattoo so…BLAH.’ Like, get one with some joy de vivre.”

A Sleeve of Tattoos
“SEX.”
“SEX ME.”
“4ever sex.”
“V. hot but likely emotionally stunted.”
“People with sleeves commit but are also chill.”
“I dated a semi-horrible person who had one. Actually, it was only a half-sleeve.”
“Full sleeve = full boner. Half sleeve = half chub.”
“The sleeve needs to be done artfully though. Like, don’t just fill the space with Bart Simpson or a lotus flower-like herb next to a Pabst can with a diamond cigarette eating a trash monster.”

Triangle Tattoo
“You are very existential.”
“You actively ‘think about life.’”
“This person occasionally dabbles in goth.”

Constellation Tattoo, or a Smattering of Stars
“Philosophy majors.”
“Emo kids I’ve unsuccessfully dated.”
“You own a lot of copies of Lonely Planet for places you MAY OR MAY NOT have actually been to.”
“Yes, and that ‘WANDERLUST’ pillow that they sell at Urban Outfitters.”
“This person pretends like they DIY everything but actually just buys it at Urban Outfitters.”
“Probably catfishes.”
“Likes Faulkner. Too much.”
“Star tattoos remind me of Rihanna and Chris Brown.”
“I want to scrub your brain of that.”

Coordinates Tattoo
“You want to be elusive but are just evasive.”
“You were an architecture major who should have been an art major.”
“I feel like you are the type of person who is SO EXCITED to have discovered a cool new thing. And then you’re really miffed when you find out that everyone’s been listening to, like, Haim for months already.”
“Coordinate tattoos are like the bodily equivalent of when newspapers print URLs.”
“It’s just sort of sweet and analog but mostly sad.”

Children’s Book Tattoo
“Infantile whiner.”
“Someone who literally never got past that reading level.”
“You think high school was the best time of your life prob.”
“I think it’s sweet!”
“Omg, like, literally grow up.”
“We get it, you are qWiRkY.”
“It’s still better than a GROWN-UP BOOK. Like cool Atlas Shrugged cover bro. Or Gatsby eyes.”
[Audible collective shudder.]
“Would you date someone with a Harry Potter tattoo?”
“No. Hard no.”
“If it were the Dark Mark, HOT.”

Taz Tat
“You are not coming from nor going to a good place with a Taz tat.”
“What about a tattoo of a Looney Toons character in street clothes?”
“What about Tweety Bird tattoos? Asking for a friend. Who can’t afford laser treatment.”

Watercolor Tattoo
“They use double filters on their instas.”
“You think: This person has a beautiful perfect life.”
“No matter their gender nor your preference, you kind of want to fuck this person.”
“They are the coolest person in any given room.”
“These look like if Michelangelo painted with Kool-Aid.”
“You are A-list on Kim Kardashian Hollywood even though you downplay how much you like it.”
“You’re A-list and you’ve NEVER EVEN PLAYED.”
“I guess the kind of person that would get one is ME.”
“You are probably in a cool band.”
“Or Swedish.”

Some Variation of a Music Note or Music-Related Symbol Thingy
“Working waitress.”
“This person’s spirit animal is Jason Derulo.”
“Beyoncé dreams, Britney voice.”
“Really liked that ‘Bad Day’ song.”
“But only plays it when they are actually having a bad day.”
“(Which is often.)”

Band Lyric/Band Name Tattoo
“Petulant Teen into Petulant Adulthood.”
“This person moved to New York because he took that Alicia Keys/Jay Z song literally.”

Infinity Symbol Tattoo
“Someone who can’t do math.”
“You’ve been to a LOT of Phish shows, but now you flirt with an EDM lifestyle.”
“Owns a closet full of dainty Free People tanks.”
“You’ve slept in your car before.”
“This person is very YOLO. Which is ironic. Because it’s an infinity symbol. You know?”

Chinese Symbol Tattoo
“You are NOT Chinese.”
“You’ve maybe never even met a Chinese person.”

Really Obvious Reminder Tattoo, Like “Breathe” in Fancy Font
“You are the most not-chill chill person.”
“Frequent passenger on the struggle bus.”
“Drinks wine at 4 p.m.”
“You maybe have gone to rehab.”
“Doesn’t remember to breathe during yoga WHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.”
“Might abbreviate pinot greege like it’s shorter but it’s not.”
“Watches a frightening amount of the Oxygen network.”
“Leaves their phone/keys/wallet at home/work/the bar like every other day.”

Mustache Finger Tattoo
“Owns a pet with a human name, like Rodney.”
“Doesn’t think women are funny.”
“Mansplains. Even if it’s a lady.”
“This person deeply regrets getting a tattoo only for a cool Instagram pic that only got five likes.”
“Makes terrible late-night decisions, then spends hours at brunch the next day rationalizing to friends that lead to late afternoon drinks and evening drinks that lead to more late-night bad decisions.”

Tattoo of Your Own Name/Initials
“Great at masturbating.”
“Someone who doesn’t understand how tattoos work.”
“My actual dad.”

Bar Code or QR Tattoo
“Android user.”
“You grew up in a college town.”
“Read Marx for Dummies in college.”
“Masturbates to Thomas Friedman.”
“Likes the Rollins Band, a little confused about what Black Flag is.”
“Has been considering getting a real job, but in the meantime has been living off of parents/girlfriends instead.”

Tattoo of a Single Feather
“Frequent Coachella attendee.”
“A specific subset of basic bitch.”
“If you are a white girl, you have worn a bindi.”
“Says ‘namaste.’”
“This person might be fun at a party if you are trashed enough.”
“I feel like this person has soft skin.”
“These girls always have great colt-ish legs.”
“They have great metabolisms.”

Jason Merritt / Getty Images

Dreamcatcher Tattoo
“All the feather stuff applies but in spades.”
“It’s a girl who takes photos of her feet.”
“Their favorite meal is salad with a froyo chaser.”
“Lack of self-awareness coupled with deep self-absorption.”
“Nightmare person.”

Anchor Tattoo (But Is Not a Sailor)
“You like metaphor.”
“You have bought something from the internet because ‘steampunk’ was in the description.”

Pin-Up Girl Tattoo
“Creepy uncle or retro hairdresser.”
“Someone who didn’t get laid until later in life.”
“You think women want to see pictures of other women on your body. They don’t.”
“Unless you are a woman, then you’re still wrong but in a different way.”
“You watch Ghost Hunters unironically.”

Pin-Up Girl Riding a Burrito Tattoo (True Story)
“Too YOLO. Needs to turn down.”
“Hero.”

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